Novocaine
by silhouetics
Summary: E & B meet over the internet & fall in love... But E is left broken hearted as B begins to date another person. 2 years later, fate brings them together in a chance encounter. Will they be able to resist temptation for the sake of their partners? M. OOC.
1. Chapter 1: Feel It In My Bones

_A/N: __Howdy ya'll. Welcome to my new story, __**Novocaine**__. It's pretty different from my Bloodflowers/Vermillion stories, and there's a lot less angst here. I hope you all enjoy it, as it's unlike anything I've ever written before. A big thank you to my beta, Misty aka __**Edwardrocksmysocks **__for editing this for me numerous times ;) The story will be told entirely from Bella's POV. All chapter songs will be on my profile if you want to check 'em out, which I recommend you do. Enjoy, and review! :) xo_

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**Disclaimer for all chapters: I own nothing!**

**Chapter 1: Feel It In My Bones  
**_Chapter Song: Feel It In My Bones by Tiesto feat Tegan and Sara_

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I always enjoyed being completely isolated in a large crowd. The sense of not having any form of identity, or individuality seemed usually appealing for me, and I basked in it whenever I was given the opportunity to do so. Sometimes you just need a moment to step back and reflect on your surroundings. Living in the suffocating town of Forks, Washington made me want to hit my head against the brick wall. I mean that in the nicest possible way. Honest. Whether you want them to or not, the town population managed to know everybody's business. I can see why my mother ran away, far away, to Arizona, and eventually to where she currently lives, in Jacksonville, Florida.

I pulled my wheely suitcase along the thick carpet of the airport terminal, desperate to find a _McDonald's_ or _Burger King._ I would _kill _for a happy meal and a large strawberry shake. Or three. Knowing me, I'd buy an extra toy because they're that damn awesome. Maybe I could eat my weight in fried food. The two and a half hour flight from Jacksonville to Chicago didn't offer any form of food or refreshments. What is this? I was a growing young lady in need of sustenance and shitty food to soothe my broken heart...mainly for comfort, too, because a date I did not want to remember was vastly approaching.

_March eleventh._

"Comfort food, where are you?" I was absolutely frantic, my eyes manically searching for something to eat; something wickedly delicious and very, very bad for me. But not even all of the double chocolate ice cream could soothe this tortured soul.

I eventually found a cafe and ordered a coffee with cream and two sugars. Both _McDonald's_ and _Burger King_ were closed for 'maintenance'.

I sighed in contentment as I took my first sip of coffee and waited for my cheesecake. My coffee and I go way back, you see. We're soul mates. Best friends. We share BFF stickers and have slumber parties. All of the world's problems could be solved with coffee. Coffee won't tell you you're not good enough. It won't tell you your ass is too fat for your favorite (and only) pair of sequined denim hot pants. It won't ground you for two weeks because you were caught smoking pot behind the principal's car during lunch. No, coffee was always kind to you, never judging, always understanding.

_If only people were like coffee_. _Maybe then I wouldn't hate the world so much._

A felt my cell vibrate in my pocket. My eyes quickly read Alice's text message.

_Taco flavored kisses for my bestieee xxxxxx_

I couldn't help but laugh, maybe even snorting a little. Alice and I loved making _South Park _references all the time. I called her instantly, and was greeted with her chime-like voice and loud background noise. They were in a bar or something, with fake ID's I bet.

"Bella-boooo!" She squealed. A chorus of 'BELLAAAAA' synchronized in the background. I greeted my best friend through a mouth full of caramel cheesecake.

"Are you sure you don't want us to wait around at the airport? We'll be heading over there in a bit to pick up Carlisle's son. He's due in about an hour."

"I'm not going to ask you to wait around for four hours for me, Al. I won't be getting in til one in the morning."

"We don't mind seriously. Do we, boys?"

"WE MISS YOU!" Jasper and Emmett yelled out. I grinned sheepishly. I missed my boys, too, and my beautiful Alice. That was the only thing I missed about Forks while I spent three weeks in Jacksonville with my mom. _Okay, all I need in this world is my coffee and my three best friends_..._and the forbidden fruit that is my first love._

My internal monologue froze like a deer in the headlights. I don't know why I continue to punish myself over someone that I simply cannot have. Maybe it was being here in Chicago, where he lives. I squashed the thoughts of _him_ and tried to smile as wide as I could.

"Charlie's already in Seattle somewhere, waiting for me. You know Charlie, always punctual."

"Creepishly punctual."

"Amen, sister."

"B-Bear!" Emmett took the phone from Alice. I could hear her yelling obscenities at her brother, but he didn't seem to notice. "I'm looking at people and picturing them as drinks."

"Oh yeah, what have you come up with?" I could easily see where this conversation was headed, and my cheeks were already bright red from trying hard not to laugh like an idiot in the middle of a busy airport.

"Well I just saw this businesswoman, and I thought 'Cosmopolitan'. Then, there was this prude, so she was called a...shit, what did we decide on?"

"Water. She's water," Jasper exclaimed, as if he had reminded Em for the twentieth time. He probably _has_ reminded Em that many times. Bless his little heart.

"_Holy shit did you just see that chick, Jazz? _Bel, she's a fucking 'Sex on the Beach'!"

"You know, I don't really like that you're making my _boyfriend_ check out chicks with you, _brother,_" I heard Alice complain in the background.

"Well aren't you glad you're here to supervise? _NO FUCKING WAY, _if that chick's a sex on the beach, that chick that just walked past it..._ Phwooaaar!"_

"Hmm. I know that chick," Alice muttered thoughtfully. "Rosalie Hale, you can't have her."

"You know her? Introduce me!"

"Fuck no. She deserves better than you, Emmett."

"Would she classify as a wet pussy?" I asked, smirking to myself.

"_Fuck yes she's a wet pussy. _If I'm lucky that wet pussy can meet the screwdriver. Cell phone high five me, Bella!" Alice and I groaned in disgust at exactly the same time, in the exact same pitch. If there was one thing Emmett didn't know how to do, it was to use his indoor voice. I was pretty sure that half the club heard this conversation.

"And who said that being drunk lowers your IQ?" Alice said, her voice dripping sarcasm.

"...Well that was a dry martini."

"And _how_ are we related again?"

"Well you see, mom and dad got really horny one night and-"

"DUDE!"

"Okay guys," I was wiping the tears away from my face, I was laughing so much. "I'll see you at school tomorrow, okay?"

"And at the wedding!"

"Of course. Can't wait to see you guys."

As soon as I was off the phone, the smile fell from my face. In less than two hours, it would be my least favorite date of the year, March eleventh. How the fuck was I going to put on the perfect facade of happiness at a fucking wedding when all I would want to do is sit on my ass, eat large quantities of ice cream, watch sappy love stories and cry for the entire day? Not possible when I am going to Alice's mother's wedding tomorrow. She's marrying the town hunk, Carlisle...I shuddered. Even my _mind_ couldn't _think_ his last name. It reminded me of him...of Edward.

I didn't even want to think about what Edward and I once had. If we were going to be technical, nothing ever really _happened_ between us. Not officially, anyway. We met when we were both thirteen years old, by chance. We had been thrown into one of those crazy MSN group chats and for some unknown reason we just started talking. I normally exited those conversations immediately, but there was something about the way he spoke to me that made me reconsider. By the end of our first conversation , I had a crush on him. Two weeks later we sent our pictures to each other. His beauty still makes my heart skip a beat, even after all these years. Two months later I told him I liked him. Six months later, he told me he loved me for the first time.

Two and a half years ago was the last time he ever spoke to me all because I fucking ruined any sort of potential of a relationship by going out with my still current boyfriend.

_Ugh! _There was no point in thinking about what could have been, because no matter how much I wished that I did things differently, I can't jump in a time machine and change the past. The fact of the matter is that he lives in Illinois and I live in Washington. See why I can't stop thinking about him? I'm on his turf AND in two hours it's our anniversary of the day we met. Talk about a big _fuck you_.

Not only that, but I'm with Jacob! A big teddy bear, softy, kind hearted, poor bastard who was completely oblivious to my still-evident love for Edward. Edward, of course, knew about Jacob. He hated him. His thoughts ran along the lines of homicidal. Though now I'm not so sure. For all I know he could be shaking up with a leggy, strawberry blonde named Tanya with blue eyes and a huge rack.

Ha. What would be the chances of a strawberry blonde being called Tanya, right?

My cheeks blushed a deep scarlet at the thought of what Edward and I used to get up to on the phone. Using my magazine as a fan, I furiously tried to blow wind on my face to calm me down. I shouldn't even be _thinking_ about him. I have a boyfriend; a boyfriend who I left for him. No matter how much I told myself those words, it would never stick. It's like my heart refuses to accept it.

_Fuckity fuck, fuck, fuck!_

As I boarded my plane, I couldn't help but wonder where Edward Cullen was right now, and whether he was happy with his life. We were both seventeen now, the age when we both agreed to meet in person. Does he ever think of me anymore? What is he doing right now, at this moment? Did he still have that twinkle in his green eyes that took my breath away? Was his hair still that unique shade of bronze that I simply adored? Does he still do that side-smirk that I thought was so sexy, it made me fan myself with a paper fan at the mere thought of it?

I let my thoughts create different scenarios as I succumbed to jet lag.

!#$%^&*(!%^!~~

I woke up at precisely eight twenty am.

"SHIT!" I exclaimed, immediately jumping out of bed and running toward the bathroom. Why the hell didn't Charlie wake me up? I mean, sure, I appreciated the extra beauty sleep, but _damn_! It takes _hours_ for me to put on my face! And today of all days? I whimpered as I saw a large pimple smack bang in the middle of my neck. "Could this piece of shit day get any worse?"

I trotted down the stairs, pissed off with the world and wanting someone to start shit with me. It was like PMS, but on an entirely different level.

_Just call me Bellzilla_; _the PMS lizard._

I just couldn't look dad in the eye when I saw him sipping on his coffee. What was he doing here? He had errands to run! I loved my dad, don't get me wrong, but there's only so much of him I can handle in the morning especially on a day like today.

"Alice is going to kill you for not being at their house yet," I mumbled as I poured myself a cup of coffee. I piled mushrooms, bacon, sausage, toast, eggs and fried tomatoes on my plate and sat opposite him. I still couldn't work up the nerve to looking him in the eye. All this food was making my mouth salivate in delight.

I growled as I noticed an empty carton of milk on the kitchen counter.

"Is it so hard to replace milk?" I exclaimed. "You put it all in the scrambled eggs, didn't you? You only need _one teaspoon. _Is it too much to ask to have milk in my damn coffee in the fucking morning?"

"All right," Charlie interrupted, putting his newspaper down. He was looking at me seriously. "You gonna tell me what's _really_ bothering you?"

"What's bothering me is I'm not drinking my damn cup of coffee right now."

"Why don't we do something today?" Charlie blurted out unexpectedly. I froze mid-bite, my mouth wide. I even think some drool was forming like a pool on the floor.

"We _are _doing something today. Carlisle and Esme's wedding tonight. Remember?"

"I meant during the day. Take the day off school. You've only technically had three and a half hours sleep."

"Since when do you want me to ditch school?" I asked through a mouthful of eggs and toast.

"What kind of kid _doesn't_ want to ditch school? Look, we'll have some fun. Take your pick. Let's...I don't know...go fishing...or visit Jake and Billy..or paint bowls of fruit, or something."

"That," I sighed, "is _exactly _why I don't want to ditch school. You have things to do today, anyway. And if you don't do them, Alice will castrate you."

"I could always call Esme and see whether Alice can take the day off with you. I'm sure she won't mind. It's not like you'll both be paying attention in class."

"She's taking a half day."

"I could really use the help, Bells."

"Breakfast was great, dad. Didn't realize you were a regular Jamie Oliver." There was a tone in my voice that made Charlie surrender. Maybe he saw the look of frustration in my eyes, or the aggression in my voice. Whatever it was, I'm glad it worked. He walked me out to my car and stood in front of the driver's side silently.

_What is he up to?_

After five minutes and fifteen seconds (yes I actually counted), my patience ran out. I sighed loudly, even rolling my eyes a little too.

"Spit it out, dad. I know there's a reason why you want me away from school today, so go right ahead. I'm all ears." I raised my eyebrow impatiently, throwing my bag over his head and through the open car window. If there was one thing I mastered over many, many years, it was bag throwing over people's heads and through a car window. If it were an Olympic sport, I'd _own_ it. He ran his fingers through his mustache thoughtfully, his eyes distant and unreachable.

"Mph. I'm that transparent, huh? Look, I just want you to take some time out here."

"Dad," I nearly growled, losing my patience. "You complained like hell when I told you I was going to see mom. I'm back from taking three weeks off school and on my first day back you tell me to take a day off?"

"Is it so wrong to want to spend time with you, Bells? I haven't seen you in weeks."

Guilt punched me in the gut. I felt my shitty resolve slightly crumble and I wanted to hug Charlie with as much love as I could. This was his way of telling me that he missed me. Well, I missed him, too. But the difference is, I live with him. I can see him whenever. He would understand that...right? That, and I don't want to be in my room, a constant reminder of computer and phone memories of Edward plaguing my mind today.

"Of course there isn't," I whispered, "And I missed you too. But I can't miss out on anymore school. I'm already so far behind as it is."

"Is everything okay with you and Jacob?"

My mind went absolutely blank. I was gobsmacked. Why on earth would he ask me about Jacob?

_Oh riiight, he's your boyfriend. _

I tried to smile, but I was sure that it came out as a grimace. Another damn reminder of my mistake.

"You're worried about Jake and I?"

"Yes."

"Dad," I sighed, suddenly feeling extremely exhausted. "We're...peachy."

"Is that a code word for something?"

This time I smiled a real smile. "No, no code word. Just means that we're the same as we've always been. So now that we have established that all is well in the world of Bella Swan, may I please leave for school now? I'm already going to be about fifteen minutes late."

"Uhh...sure, Bells. I'm just worried you're spreading yourself too thin right now."

I wouldn't speak the words out loud, but part of me feared that Charlie was right.

~!#$%^&*!^~

_I pulled the covers over my head, still holding the phone to my ear as if it were my lifeline. I had been grinning for so long that my cheeks were beginning to ache in protest, but I couldn't stop. He had this ability to make me smile, no matter how shitty I felt, or even when I didn't _want_ to smile. He chuckled, his voice smooth and luxurious as he continued to tell me the story of why his mother grounded him for the next two weeks._

"_So I said to her, 'I shall dub thee Bitch Kitty, the kitten of bitches'. I even rubbed behind her ears and everything."_

"_You didn't!" I gasped, now laughing hysterically. "How did your mom take your affectionate nickname of her?"_

"_Needless to say my mother was less than pleased with my antics. And this is why I am locked in my room right now and not at that house party down the street."_

"_That's gotta suck. I know you were really looking forward to that party."_

"_There's a plus side to this scenario, you know."_

"_Oh yeah? What's that?"_

"_I get to stay on the phone all night talking to you." My heart skipped a beat, making my breath come out in short, shaky gasps. His voice was so gentle now it felt his words were caressing me. Washing over me. Only he had this ability to make me feel like my heart would explode with love. "Bella?"_

"_Mmm?"_

"_There's something that I've wanted to tell you for a long time. Since the first time I started talking to you, actually." She sat up slowly, telling him to continue. "I love you."_

_If I thought I was grinning before, I was most definitely wrong. My heart was thudding so loudly I was sure he could hear it. I just couldn't believe it. He loves me. The most beautiful soul I have ever encountered in my entire life is in love with _me_._

"_Oh, Edward," I whispered. "I love you too."_

"Bells? Is everything okay, babe?"

I blinked several times before I realized that I was reliving a memory that made me want to punch myself in the face several times. Feeling like a bucket of ice water had been dumped over my head; I was truly lost for words. _Is_ everything okay? I'm not so sure. It depends on what you would define as okay. It's like asking whether her soup at a restaurant was _okay_. No, she was definitely _not_ okay. I hated being this dramatic. It just wasn't in my nature.

I bit my lip, trying to work up the energy to lie and say that there was nothing wrong. That he was just imagining things—what I always say to Jacob when he suspected that something was wrong—but he was always right, always aware and I resented that he knew me so well. I was sure that he already knew what I was feeling even though I wouldn't dare speak the words.

Jacob Black was the only person that knew about Edward and he thought I was over him.

_Wrong. You're so wrong, Jacob. I _wish_ that I could get over him, but I can't. I'm sorry._

I re-opened the Internet page, gnawing at my lip absentmindedly as I stared helplessly at the page. _You shouldn't be doing this_, my mind screamed at me. Am I just the type of person who enjoys punishment? I must enjoy this torment and agony, otherwise I wouldn't keep doing this to myself. I am _such_ a glutton for punishment.

Yep. Just call me Bella 'the masochist' Swan.

"Can I call you back, Jake?" I asked in a near whisper.

I didn't bother to wait for a reply, immediately terminating the call. Today was a bittersweet (mostly bitter) day for me. March eleventh. The date held strong memories for me, most of them I knew better than to remember, especially when on the phone to my boyfriend but I still do it. It's the only reminder for me that he actually existed.

It was the day I met Edward.

I averted my eyes back to the screen, re-reading our last e-mail exchange.

_Subject: I'm sorry..._

_From: Bella Swan_

_Date: 26 June 2007 23:55:30_

_To: Edward Cullen_

_Edward,_

_When you and I first started talking it was like something out of one of those cheesy movies except it was real life. By some form of luck, or chance, we met online of all places. And even though we were separated by computer screens and a wide space of land, I felt the stars align. I felt something that I never thought I could feel at the age of thirteen. How is that normal?_

_You know that I have had a reluctance to meet you, mainly because of fear. I know that you are who you say you are, and not some creepy online pedophile, but I fear that once you see me, really see me, you'll hate what you see._

_That's why I'm doing this._

_I've talked to you about my friend Jacob. I know you sensed that something was wrong when you spoke to me tonight...and you were right. He asked me out tonight and I said yes. You know I love you, but I can't do this anymore. I can't wait for someone who isn't here with me, and on the other side of the country. I need to feel you, kiss you, see you._

_I'm sorry. I'm so sorry._

_Subject: RE: I'm sorry..._

_From: Edward Cullen_

_Date: 27 June 2007 13:34:03_

_To: Bella Swan_

_For someone who says that they're in love with someone, you sure have a funny way of showing it. When you love someone, you don't turn around and do what you have done to me. I'm so angry I could fucking tear my hair out and scream. I have been crying and breaking shit and the fucked up part of this all is...all I want is you. I want you to make me better and you can't __fucking do that anymore because you're too much of a coward to wait three more years to be with me. Is that what you want to hear? Do you want me to be happy for you? Because I won't say I am._

_There is only one person that you belong with, Bella, and that's me. Not Jacob. ME._

_If you love me, you would wait for me. I was willing to wait for you, and I will still continue to wait for you even though right now all I want to do is fucking kill that Jacob 'friend' of yours. You've broken my heart, Bella. How could you do this to me? Couldn't you have at least called me to tell me this? You didn't even have the guts to do that?_

_Until you break up with him, I won't be speaking to you anymore._

_Whatever you send to me I won't reply to until I know it's over for good. And don't feel guilty, which I know you will, because you made your bed. You chose so deal with the consequences._

_I hope for my sake, you forget I existed. At least then I can try and get over you._

_Edward._

"Shit," I groaned.

My eyes lost focus while I continued to idly stare at the computer screen. I don't know why I bothered to read his last email, for I knew every word, every comma, every full stop. Every time I thought of him, my heart shattered that extra piece that I thought wasn't possible anymore. I thought my heart couldn't be damaged any more than it is, but it still breaks. Whoever said that words don't hurt is a liar. They hurt. They devastate. They haunt you each and every moment of every day, until you drive yourself crazy from it; until you can't bear it anymore.

I tapped my fingers lightly on the keyboard, my mind truly in another place.

I still wrote to Edward occasionally, praying that he would reply but he never does. Two and a half years later, I was still with Jacob—the reason I broke up with Edward—and still just as broken hearted. I obviously managed to hide it well, because the facade that was Jacob and I was convincing to everyone else. Although Jake and I were in a comfortable place with one another, my heart was with the green eyed boy I never had the honor of meeting.

I quickly exited out of the Internet screen and put my head in my hands.

I felt numb, physically and emotionally. I haven't been completely happy, or the same person since the day Edward stopped talking to me. It felt like a part of me died the moment he said goodbye for good. Maybe a part of me really has died but Edward was right, I had no right to feel this way because it was a choice I made.

Is it possible to break your own heart?

"Lamesauce. Fucking lamesauce," I mumbled vehemently.

"Oi whore! You ready to go?" Alice yelled from behind my closed door. I was most definitely not ready for tonight, but how would I explain that? I yelled out a quick yes and listened to Alice's high heels trot down the stairs and outside again. I quickly put on my high heels before meeting her in her car.

"I was right," Alice smirked as I closed the car door. "That dress looks fucking fantastic on you."

It was a midnight blue dress, silk and low cut, but not trashy at all. I felt really classy in it, like a woman. Not like the awkward seventeen year old girl that I am.

"If my memory recalls, _I _chose this dress, sweetie."

"Don't be ridiculous, I chose that dress."

"No, seriously, I bought this. In one of those boutiques in Port Angeles, and _gasp_! On sale!"

"Blasphemy!" Alice growled as she sped toward her house.

As we drove up the winding driveway that led toward Alice's mansion, my stomach started to sink involuntarily. I was extremely happy for my best friend's mother, Esme, and even Carlisle, but being around Carlisle made me sad and uneasy. He was a beautiful, kind hearted man, who was compassionate and understanding but he shared _his_ last name...Cullen.

I shuddered involuntarily and Alice glanced at me curiously.

"You sure everything is okay, Bel? You haven't been very..you..today."

"Yeah, I guess I'm just jet lagged from the flight last night."

"If you say so."

_Damn your ability to know when something's wrong, Alice._

We walked up the stairs toward Alice's room in silence. Alice knew when to give me some space and now was that time. I sat in front of Alice's vanity mirror, looking at my reflection without really noticing. Alice immediately plugged in the hair curler and started applying foundation to my pale skin.

"I know you're hiding something from me," Alice said as she rubbed in the foundation with a sponge. "And I would really appreciate it if you tell me what it is."

I take that previous statement back. It only makes her more determined. I should have known better. I playfully scowled at her through the mirror. She smiled innocently.

"You're really pushy, you know that?"

"I share everything with you. I just expect the same in return."

"It's really nothing, Alice. Just drop it."

"You _will_ tell me," Alice muttered as she stabbed her with eyeliner. "Not now, but you will."

Time went by so quickly that before I knew it, it was time to sit down for the ceremony, which was in the Cullen backyard. Alice quickly ushered me to my seat, which I would have found by myself anyway, because I saw Charlie's large frame. He was a large, lean man, but with a pot belly. As I sat down next to him, he grinned widely. His cheeks were stained red.

I laughed wholeheartedly. "You're drunk already, dad?"

"Izza par-teh, Bells."

"Hey baby," a hot breath sounded in my ear. I immediately froze, knowing who it was immediately. It was honestly the last person that I wanted to see right now, today of all days! It felt like a betrayal to Edward, even though I had no right to think of him anymore. This would be an insult to him. Stabbing the knife in over and over, even if he wasn't around to feel or see it. I nearly groaned as I looked at Jacob.

He looked gorgeous, as he always did, in a gray tuxedo and black shirt. His long hair was tied back, his russet skin striking. His brown eyes showed nothing but love for me, and that only made me feel even more guilty for recoiling from him. For doing this to him. Lying and betraying repeatedly. I had to be the worst person on the planet. I hated myself for causing all this hurt. He lazily put an arm over me.

"What are you doing here?"

Jacob's smile fell from his face. "Alice invited me. Don't you want me to be here?"

_Yes, that's exactly what I want. _

"Don't be silly." I leaned into him, even though my body screamed at me to back away from him. He smiled again and kissed my forehead. Bridal music began to play and everyone turned to look behind them. The first two people who walked down were Alice and her boyfriend Jasper. She was skipping along, her excitement evident. Jasper was smiling at her, like she was an angel sent from heaven. The next to walk down was Alice's brother, Emmett, with a blonde girl I didn't know. She was a stunning girl, tall and sex incarnate. I immediately felt my self esteem drop and my appetite diminish.

_God damn, she's hot!_

Emmett winked at me as he stepped up on the mezzanine, facing the forty guests. He pointed to the nameless blonde and mouthed '_wet pussy_'. I snorted loudly and several heads turned in my direction. I blushed and mumbled a quick apology. I turned back around and was wriggling my eyebrows at Alice playfully. She poked her tongue out at her and we were trying desperately not to laugh too loud. I saw something move out of the corner of my eye, something that immediately caught my attention. It was a blur of color that I had only seen once before. My entire body shifted, desperate to see where the color was coming from. When I saw where it came from, I froze.

"Bella? You okay, honey?"

With all of the energy I could gather, I suppressed the urge to tell Jacob to shut the fuck up. My entire body was paralytic. Stiff and still with fear. My heart was in overdrive. _Turn around! Fucking turn around! _And as he stepped up on the podium, and turned to face the crowd, I felt like I was going to be sick.

It was him. Edward Cullen.

_He's...he's actually real. _I felt like I was doused in gasoline, my entire body on fire. I didn't know what to feel right now. How was I meant to feel, seeing him like this for the first time? I let out a shaky breath, feeling sick to my very core.

As if sensing eyes on him, his eyes slowly scanned the intimate group before they met mine. Whatever my facial expression was right now, I was positive that his mirrored mine. His entire body stiffened, his eyes wide. He looked like he had seen a ghost.

We obviously knew what we looked like. We took photos, we went on web cam, we did everything that we possibly could to make up for the fact that we couldn't physically be together but those photos, the web cam sessions meant nothing. They held no justice for his beauty. He was hands down the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. His bronze hair was so much more complex than in pictures, shining different shades, so multifaceted. His green eyes were a lot lighter than I remembered and his skin was flawless. He didn't look like the boy that I fell in love with, but was now a man. He was so fucking beautiful it made my heart ache. That's when I noticed the date that was holding onto his arm possessively. My heart sank.

_You're kidding me. A strawberry blonde? _She was fucking stunning. Hell, I had other girls at school as a reminder of how physically inadequate I was, but this girl...she could give even Rose a run for her money. Not a hair out of place from her immaculate hair style and she had piercing blue eyes that could slice right through you. She was slender and tall and everything I'm not. She leaned close to him and whispered in his ear, but his expression never changed. His eye's never left mine.

"Baby?" Jacob sounded so unsure. I couldn't bear to look at him right now. I was afraid that if I so much as opened my mouth, I would spill the truth and freak the fuck out. Once I freak the fuck out, I'd have to tell him _why_. Not when the love of my life was standing across the room, looking at me like I was the shit beneath his shoe. Of course he hated me. I was probably the last person he'd ever want to see, even on his deathbed. His stare was so intense it sent goosebumps through every cell of my skin.

If he was here...could that mean...

_Holy shit_! He's Carlisle's son!

"I'm fine, Jake. Just not feeling well." The words barely left my closed lips. I watched Edward's eyes move to Jacob, narrowing ever so slightly. He knew that it was Jacob who had his arm around me protectively. I sank in my seat, wishing I could disappear.

Never did I think that Edward and I would meet like this. I had dreamed up all of these ridiculous scenarios, and none of them were like this. This was a fucking disaster. If I had stopped avoiding Carlisle, I most likely would have known that he was related to Edward. If I had known what would I have done? Would I have rushed to his side and begged him to forgive me? Or would I have hidden away, like I long to do now? That fucking strawberry blonde stroked his cheek affectionately, but he did not respond. His hard stare was as intense as ever. Hey, at least her name isn't Tanya. I fucking hate that name.

I was barely aware of the ceremony itself. If someone asked whether I liked Esme's dress, or what I thought of the ceremony, I wouldn't have been able to answer. I hadn't noticed anything, because during the forty minute ceremony, my eyes never left Edward Cullen.


	2. Chapter 2: I Can't Stay Away

_A/N: Thank you to Misty for BETAing this for me. :) I'm not going to be updating any of my stories from September 28 to 6 November, folks. My health is going downhill really bad, and as much as I love writing, it needs to take a backseat for a bit. I hope you understand. This story is told entirely from Bella's POV._

* * *

**_Chapter 2: I Can't Stay Away  
_**___Chapter Song: I Can't Stay Away by The Veronicas_

_

* * *

_

"You okay?"

"Yes."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, Jacob."

"But you've been quiet since the ceremony, you know. Not polite quiet, but, there's something on your mind and your eyes are in another world quiet. Are you sure that you're okay, honey?"

_If you ask me that question one more time, Jacob Black, I'm going to go homicidal on your unsuspecting ass._

"_Yes, I'm okay_." I let a bit of anger leak through in my voice unintentionally. He gave me a hug that made me want to shrink into myself from guilt and walked away to the other side of the room. Although I wasn't looking in his direction, I could tell that he looked back several times to check on me because he's a fucking sweetheart and I'm a bitch who is focusing on someone she can't have instead of what she already has.

_And now I'm referring to myself in third person... I'm a nutcase._

If there was one up side to this fucked up day, it came to the reception seating arrangements. I wasn't seated with Jacob or Edward, but with my dad and Esme's relatives. They were lovely people, and I felt guilty for being too distracted to even engage in a conversation that lasted more than twenty seconds. We were seated on the opposite end of where Jacob was, and just as far away from the bridal table, where Edward was. By now everyone was drunk and dancing without a care in the world. I wished that I was legal to drink, and that my dad wasn't the chief of police, because right now I'd give anything to get rid of the pain that spread across my chest like a disease.

"Bella?"

I hated being this self loathing, but _come on_. This is serious shit.

"Uhhh earth to Bell?"

Do I go up to him and try to speak to him? Would he even acknowledge me if I did so? I would probably look like the biggest dickhead. He'd probably ignore me. He had every right to.

"Bells?"

"Mhmm."

"Did you hear me?"

"Whatever makes you happy, Dad."

"Bella!"

I stared at my Dad blankly, whose cheeks were flushed scarlet. "Whaa?"

"I said do you mind if..." I tuned out, staring out to the dance floor.

"Go ahead, Dad." I muttered, not knowing what I agreed to.

Alice—who was trained in ballet—was pretty much the only graceful person on the dance floor despite her inebriated state. She moved delicately, but confidently around Jasper. His eyes were shining with delight as she pulled on his tie. They kissed chastely. They were made for each other. I wouldn't be surprised if they were the next couple to walk down the aisle.

A song that I didn't know—but everyone else did—blasted through the speakers, and drunken cheers erupted. They all danced out of time, and hideously. I couldn't help but smile at the sight. Beautiful disasters, they all were. I saw Jacob almost immediately in the middle of the dance floor. He was easily the tallest person here, and just as buff as Emmett. He was dancing with the nameless strawberry blonde. Instead of feeling jealous like I know I should have, I felt relieved. It was one less problem on my plate, him being distracted.

They could make out on the dance floor for all I cared.

Charlie was dancing vigorously with Sue Clearwater. So _that's _what I agreed to! Awesome! I tried desperately not to laugh at his horrible dance moves. I knew that he always had a thing for Sue and—now that she had finalized her divorce with her ex-husband, Harry—she seemed to be reciprocating. As long as she had genuine feelings for him, and wouldn't hurt him, I was happy for them both. Charlie deserves all of the happiness in the world, and more.

He scratched his mustache irritably and I mentally groaned. I love my dad, I really do, but I wish he'd shave that fucker off. It's fucking horrible! He's quite a handsome man, but with that mustache, he looks like an extra for a tribute band for the _Village People_.

"May I?" A soft, velvet voice tore me out of my musings. A large, but slender hand was held out in front of me, requesting my hand. His hands were stunning, hands of an artist. Pianist fingers. Strong, but delicate. Did I mention that I love hands? My heart fluttered as my eyes slowly roved over Edward's. _Sweet Jebus, he's fucking gorgeous. _ When I looked into his emerald eyes, I couldn't read what was behind his irises. There was no emotion, not even in his voice.

He has to be over me... because he's with that strawberry blonde. She's the reason he's over me.

_No_, my mind yelled back. _You're the reason he moved on from you. Don't blame someone else._

I gnawed at my lip, trying to read Edward's facial expression, but I just couldn't do it.

I slowly placed my hand in his, and his fingers closed over my hand. His hands were so soft and gentle, I thought in awe as we walked toward the dance floor. The lights were dim now, and it was hard to see who was around us. As he pulled me into his arms, _Lovesong _by _The Cure _started playing. I laughed song held a very special meaning to me. I can't say the same for Edward anymore, though.

"Is this some kind of joke?" I asked myself out loud. Edward looked down at me, confusion and hurt plastered all over his face.

"Is _what_ a joke?" He asked as we slowly danced around in a circle, completely oblivious to what was going on around us. His eyes captivated me, the only thing that was keeping me from floating away. He was my gravity.

"This song." I sighed heavily. "Of course you don't remember..."

"How could you think that I'd forget?" He said so quietly, it made me stop dancing. I was suddenly very aware of how his body felt against mine, how his fingers left a trace of fire wherever he touched. As I tried to pull away from him, he pulled me against him tightly.

"You never wrote back to me," I blurted out like word vomit. He stared at me in silence for several seconds before I replied in a whisper. "I kept writing to you, and you never replied to me. Even when I pleaded with you to write just one word. You never did."

"You never broke up with Jacob."

"How do you know that?"

"Because you would have told me if you did."

I frowned. "Who's strawberries and cream?"

"I'm sorry?"

"The strawberry blonde. The one who is glaring daggers at me right now."

Edward looked over his shoulder to see strawberries and cream in the arms of my boyfriend, glaring at me like vermin. He laughed loudly, obviously finding this unfunny situation funny. His laughter sounded like music to my ears. "Strawberries and cream... I forgot about your impeccable wit."

"Mmm. That's me." I said sarcastically as I stared at his neck. Would I get into trouble if I nibbled on it in front of our partners? Holy shit, I'm bad. I mentally slapped my wrist and scolded my impure thoughts. _Bad Bella!_ "You're with someone...with her."

"So are you, Bella." The way he said my name made me shiver against him. He wrapped his arms around me and his lips were so close to my ear I could feel his hot breath fanning against me. "You have no idea how long I've imagined doing this. Holding you in my arms. Feeling you against me. It's...there are no words for what I'm feeling right now."

"I have a pretty good idea, because chances are I've felt exactly the same."

"I'm not quite sure that you have felt the same. You're the one who left _me_, remember?"

Something snapped in me, much like a foot stepping on a snapping twig. Anger was bubbling deep within me. If he was here, holding me just to fucking taunt me, he had another thing coming. Yes, I know that I fucked up, but he didn't have to repeatedly throw it in my face!

I pulled away from him immediately, and this time he let me go. I stormed out of the reception area, which was in the large Cullen lounge room and up the stairs towards the spare bedroom. Seeing as I was staying here the night, and this was my second home, I couldn't give a shit about what anyone else thought of me walking around here. It was time for an early night - consequences from Alice, be damned.

I slammed the door shut and suppressed the urge to scream at the top of my lungs. I furiously pulled the dozens of bobby pins out of my hair, throwing them to the ground in my heat of anger.

"Fucking. Arrogant. Self-centered. Egotistical bastard!"

I pulled off my dress with strength I never knew I had, tearing the fabric before it fell from my skin. I let the dress fall to the ground and went into the en suite bathroom, quickly throwing on my pajamas; a lime green singlet and boy shorts. When I stormed out of the bathroom, still furious with Edward, I slammed into a body on the other side of the door. I stumbled backwards, but arms encircled me, preventing me from falling.

He had only held me once before, but I immediately recognized his arms.

"Let go of me," I said quietly, seething. He shook his head no, looking at me in amazement. I took a deep breath and exhaled from my nose. I could feel my cheeks burning and my hands were shaking. "Edward, let go of me."

"Are you sure that's what you want, Bella? For me to let you go?"

I felt a lump forming in my throat. Before I had time to answer, Edward's mouth found mine in a frenzy, kissing me like I had never been kissed before. It was as if someone had injected something foreign in my veins and set my entire body on fire. _He_ did this to me.

This was our first kiss, and it was far better than anything I had ever encountered.

Although his lips were gentle, the way he was kissing me was anything but. There was a desperation to this kiss, as if this was the last time he'd ever be able to do this. I wrapped my arms around him and he lifted me up. I wrapped my legs around his waist and he slammed me against the wall. We both groaned loudly. This whole experience was so foreign. It wasn't as if this was my first kiss. I have kissed _a lot_ of people in my past. But this...this was something on an entirely different level.

When his hands traced the hem of my shirt, the fire was doused. I was immediately snapped back to reality and realized what was happening.

_I am cheating on my boyfriend...with the love of my life._

"Edward, stop."

His lips were attached to my neck, where he was sucking and biting feverishly.

"We can't do this. We...ahhh fuck...Edward we're seeing other people!"

He stopped what he was doing immediately, and looked at me, truly looked at me. He gently put me down and stared at me like he had never seen me before. He took a step back, and was panting heavily.

"Break up with him, Bella. With Jacob. We can be together."

"You know I can't do that."

"Did you not just feel that?" He yelled at me. My back was straight against the wall, though I was not sure how much longer I could stand up. "Did you not fucking feel that connection? You can't fucking tell me that I was the only one that felt that!"

I put my head in my hands and felt hot tears spill against my palms. What the fuck was I going to tell Jacob? How would I clean up this mess?

"Are you in love with Jacob?"

"Of course I love Jacob," I whispered, afraid to speak the words out loud, as if they were a virus.

"I asked if you are _in _love with him, Bella."

My head snapped up. Edward, like me, had tears falling from his face. My hands itched to comfort him, to wipe away the tears that fell from his eyes, but I wouldn't dare more. I don't know if I could ever move from this spot ever again. When I didn't answer him, he nodded once. Without saying another word, he walked out of the room and left me alone.

My legs finally gave out and I crashed to the floorboards, weeping as if my heart had been broken all over again.

* * *

I tossed and turned for God knows how long, my mind continuously replaying what happened between Edward and me. My skin still felt like it was ablaze, the thought of his hands on me, his mouth on mine and the way his teeth felt against my neck was almost too much to bear.

"Fucking Cullen," I grumbled.

I had the misfortune of sharing the second floor with Edward and his strawberries and cream. For a large, spectacular house, the acoustics were fucking appalling.

Was this the way I envisioned tonight to end? No. Did I think that Edward would leave to immediately return to his flawless, leggy woman? _Fuck no_. I didn't go running back to Jacob, not that I remember anything at all after he left. I cried myself to sleep on floor. I don't even remember finding my way into bed. I must have crawled under the covers like the miserable piece of shit that I am. But once I woke up, I certainly didn't expect to hear giggling and thumping.

I groaned loudly, pulling the covers over my head.

"What's gotten into you?" a disgustingly sweet voice cooed behind the other side of the wall. I fought the urge to throw up with extreme difficulty.

"I just need a distraction," _His_ voice murmured before the thumping and laughter resumed.

"Seriously?" I whispered in shocked disbelief.

"Well that I can do."

"Oh, that fucking does it," I growled, throwing the covers away from me and stormed my way toward his bedroom. The cold assaulted my bare skin, but I couldn't stop moving my feet. They were possessed.

I slammed my closed fist loudly against the door several times. My hand was aching by the time the door opened slightly. Edward poked his head out. His lips were swollen and his cheeks were flushed. His eyes sparkled in the dimly lit hall area. He was so fucking beautiful, and it just made me even angrier.

"Can I help you?" His voice was cool and extremely formal. I flinched internally. _Ouch_. My eyes narrowed, my chest heaved from my short breaths.

"I would appreciate some common courtesy at four in the morning. If you and your girlfriend continue to fuck at the volume that you were just doing five minutes ago, I won't be held accountable for my actions."

He smirked ever so slightly, his voice dropping to a near whisper. Goosebumps erupted throughout my entire body. "Are you jealous, Isabella?"

"Don't flatter yourself," I said coldly. How dare he? I wanted to punch and kiss the arrogant, egotistical bastard all at the same time. "Just keep the fucking noises to a minimum. It's the last thing that I want to fucking hear after last night. If I hear so much as a whimper, I will fucking kill you both. Understand?"

"Isn't your lover boy satisfying you? I'm sure Tanya would be willing to show you some pointers if you ask her very nicely." _Her name is Tanya_? Is God seriously fucking with me right now? Before I knew what I was doing, my hand was raised and heading toward Edward's face. Edward threw the door open and caught my hand mid flight. His eyes were filled with anger and passion. It was fucking glorious.

He was wearing a wife beater and tracksuit pants...but...what?

"What's going on?" _Tanya_ asked, on the ground, sitting on...

A fucking _Twister_ place-mat.

A loud, inarticulate noise bubbled from deep in my throat. My cheeks blazed with embarrassment and humiliation. Isn't something like this meant to happen in movies, not real life? Edward still held onto my wrist, his fingers like lava.

"If you'll excuse me, Tanya, Bella and I have matters to discuss privately."

"Should I wait up?"

"No," he snapped shutting the door as he pulled me toward my room. When my door was shut and locked, he pulled me into the center of the room. He let go of my wrist, his eyes blazing with fury and...hurt? "What the fuck is your problem?" He yelled.

"Would you fucking lower your voice! The whole house can probably hear you," I whispered loudly.

"I couldn't give a flying fuck! How dare you storm into _my_ room at four in the fucking morning, accusing me without actually speaking the words, and then try to hit me?"

"What the hell was I meant to think that noise was? Who the hell plays _Twister_ at four in the morning?"

"Do you have that little faith in me?" I stared at him blankly, not really grasping his words. He was standing so close to me that I could feel his body heat. His shoulders were shaking subtly. There was next to no light in the room, other than the moonlight that crept through the opened blinds. All I could see was his silhouette, but his eyes were bright. Although I couldn't see the look on his face, I knew what his facial expression would be. I had years to know by the tone in his voice what he was really feeling. "Do you really think that I would do that to you?"

"I...shit." I sat on the bed, feeling utterly drained an exhausted. He sat beside me, sighing heavily. Our legs were touching ever so slightly. I shivered from the cold. I felt his eyes on me.

"Get under the covers. I'll be good, I promise."

I wished that I could say the same thing. I nodded my head, but quickly realized that he probably wouldn't be able to see it. I crawled under the covers, their warmth immediately heating up my chilled body. Edward turned to face me, lying beside me, but above the covers.

"How long have you been living in Forks?" he whispered. All the anger in his voice was gone now. He just sounded tired.

"A few days before we..."

He hummed in reply. For a long time neither of us spoke, but the silence wasn't uncomfortable; it was one of those silences that was comforting. Something that is rare to find with another person...and I found that with him. Everything always led back to Edward in my world.

"Why did you do it, Bella?"

"The Jacob situation?" I sighed. His fingers played with strands of my curly hair. I could see a faint, sad smile on his lips. "I was scared. I was fifteen and I already found the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. As right as it felt, my mind was screaming that it wasn't normal that I was unconditionally in love with someone I'd never met. So I panicked...and then Jake asked me out and...well, the rest is history."

"It destroyed me."

"Me too."

"But you won't break up with him."

"No."

"It's destroying both of us, yet you choose to do nothing about it," he whispered as he pulled me into a hug. I took a deep breath, and his scent assaulted my senses. He had a scent that appealed to me. All of these different fragrances, but all rolled up into him. It was perfect. He kissed my hair and sighed.

"I can't end it with him. I'm in too deep."

"I understand."

"How long have you and," I let out a shaky breath, "Tanya been together? She's gorgeous, Edward."

"Six months, give or take. Not sure. Haven't been keeping count."

"Do you..."

"Love her? No. She's a sweet girl, but she's not my ideal woman. _You're_ gorgeous."

My heart skipped a beat.

"Why are you with her then?"

"I'm waiting for you."

I blinked away my tears, suddenly feeling very tired. And I thought that _I _was a glutton for punishment. Edward was willing to take beat after beat, for nothing more than a chance to be with me. This was just more evidence that convinced me that he deserved much more than what I could give him. I let out a loud yawn, and he chuckled softly, hugging me tighter. I rested my hands against his chest, his heart beat thudding against my palms. I smiled and nuzzled my face into the crook of his neck.

"I don't want you to wait for me, Edward. You've always deserved much better than me."

"We belong together, babe," he whispered. "There will come a day when you'll realize that. Until that happens, I'll still be here. As your friend."

_I know that we belong together...but I can't hurt Jacob. It'll devastate him if he ever finds out the truth._

"I thought that you weren't going to talk to me until I broke up with Jake?"

"Well now that I'm here...holding you...I can't act like you don't exist."

"Can you handle that? Seeing me with him?"

"I'm not sure...I'm going to be seeing you five days a week, so we'll find out."

I pulled away from him slightly and stared at him open-mouthed. Is he telling me what I think he is? The thought of him actually living here in Forks—a five minute drive away—sent my heart racing. It was much easier to deal with losing him because I'd never met him before, and because he lived in Chicago. Now I had to still be with Jacob, but see Edward at school five days a week?

This was a big fuck you from the gods.

"You've moved here?"

"I have."

"So we're going to be going to school together? Seriously?"

"Seriously."

_Wow_. "What about strawberries and cream?"

"She's moved here with her family, too. They live in Port Angeles."

_Double wow. _"So you're not breaking up with her?"

"Not until you break up with Jacob." I sighed deeply and felt myself drifting into the world of dreams. I yawned again, my mind becoming hazy.

"I wish things were simpler than that."

"So do I," he said sadly. "Go to sleep, princess. We have all the time in the world, even if we're only friends." He kissed my lips decorously, but made no attempt to get out of my bed. "Sweet dreams, my angel."

"I love you," I mouthed, too tired to actually speak the words but somehow he knew. He kissed me gently and sighed against my trembling lips.

A tear slid out of my closed eyelids as I drifted off into a dreamless sleep, afraid of waking up without him beside me.


	3. Chapter 3: Forget Her

_AN: Hi everybody! *waves enthusiastically* How are we all today? I'm pretty good, my pretties. My health fiasco seems to be over, thank goodness. Here is chapter 3 for you. There is a very important song in this chapter, that I beg you to listen to. It's the chapter song and it sums up the entire mood of this chapter. As always, all songs for my stories are on my profile. I hope you enjoy this one, I had a lot of laughs writing the first half of it. Thanks to my BETA Misty. You're epic awesome. :)_

_

* * *

_**Chapter 3: Forget Her  
**_Chapter Song: Forget Her by Jeff Buckley_

* * *

_I stared helplessly at Jacob as I held the phone to my ear._

_I didn't know what the fuck to do. I chose Jacob, right? So why was I on the phone, listening to Edward cry and spill his heart out to me while I was holding Jake's hand? It was rubbing the salt into the wounds. I just didn't know what to do. I chose, but I wanted Edward to be happy. That's all I've ever wanted for him. Part of me just knew that it wasn't me that could make him happy anymore. All I ever did recently was make Edward's heart break that impossible extra piece._

"_How could you do this to me?" Edward cried. I took a deep breath as tears fell __down__my face. "_Why _would you do this to me?"_

_I have only ever heard Edward cry twice in the whole time I've known him. It wasn't a masculine issue or anything like that, and he told me time and time again that he only ever cried if something truly broke him. He just didn't see the point in crying. He didn't just cry for no reason. I was breaking his heart._

"_I'm sorry. I'm sorry," I kept repeating through my sobs._

_Jacob tried to pull me into a hug, but I gently pushed his arms away and shook my head. His eyes shone with hurt. Great. Another person I've hurt. That's all I seem to do to people. I just wished that this never happened. God, I'd give anything to change what I've done but it's done and there's nothing I can do about it. I need to live with my decision, as much as it's killing us._

"_Are you? __Are you _really_ sorry for this, Bella? I just don't understand this. We made plans. We were going to be with each other after we both graduated. I was going to come to meet your parents and then ask them for your hand. We were going to spend the rest of our__ lives together. Don't you remember our plans, Bella? I fucking love you!"_

"_I know you do and that's what makes this so much harder."_

"_You won't even tell me you love me anymore." I sobbed hysterically as Edward's voice broke. I couldn't do this. Not in front of Jacob, anyway. I stood up and walked out of the room without looking back to Jacob. I knew that I had a lot of explaining to do after this phone call, but I just needed to speak freely to Edward._

_I locked myself in the laundry, sitting on the cold stone floor._

"_You know that I love you," I told him in a whisper. He laughed bitterly and I heard something smash in the background. I shuddered, not wanting to know what he'd done. Edward, as beautiful and kind as he is, had a terrible temper. When he doesn't know what to do with his emotions, he turns it back on himself. I just hoped that he didn't hurt himself._

"_This is a funny way to show me that."_

"_I know." I wept. "But I can't change it. What's done is done."_

"_This isn't a life sentence, Bella. Break up with Jake. Please do that for me. Please."_

"_I can't do that. You know I can't."_

"_The thing is__ I don't know that. You _can_ do just that. And we can go back to how we used to be."_

"_Remember that email you sent me? How I need to lie in the bed I've made? You're right. I've chosen, and as much as this is killing us both we need to stop this. I don't want to, believe me, but we need to. You'll find someone-"_

"_Don't give me that horse shit," he growled. "If you don't love me anymore, fucking tell me. Don't waste my time anymore than you already have."_

"_I can't tell you I don't love you, because that isn't true."_

"_I'm going to ask you one last time. Break up with Jacob."_

"_I can't do that, Edward."_

"_I hope there comes a time in my life where I forget you, Bella."_

_I dropped the phone from my hands as the line went dead and cried against the unforgiving, ice cold floor._

"Earth to Bella," Edward said with an amused smile. He clicked his fingers in front of me until I snapped out of my daydream. I frowned as I realized that that was the last time I really heard his voice. That phone call...I thought I blocked that out.

But all of these memories were flooding back to me since Edward came back into my life in a whirlwind.

I smirked as I leaned forward. I watched his eyes grow darker as he watched my lips as I spoke.

"Are you sure you're man enough for the challenge?"

"I can do this shit with my eyes shut, baby."

"Uh huh. You seem to be all talk so far."

"I'm sure by the end of this escapade of ours, you'll think otherwise." His breath was hot against the back of my neck and it made my knees buckle with lust. His chuckle made a swarm of butterflies flutter in my stomach. A hot flush crept up from my chest, all the way up to my cheeks. His arms wrapped around me briefly while his lips brushed my neck.

"You're moving too slow Edward," I whispered breathlessly.

"But my arm hurts!" He whined like a child who was roped into doing something he detested. It was fucking adorable, but not enough to save him from my venomous stare. He just wasn't manning up to this challenge. "There's only so much beating I can do before my arm gets tired!"

"You've only been going for ten minutes. What a pathetic effort! If I knew you couldn't keep up, I wouldn't have asked you for help."

"You're seriously emasculating me right now."

"It's all in the wrist. Don't beat, whip. I can't believe I'm about to show you what you should already know," I said impatiently, demonstrating to him before he used the technique. He still wasn't keeping up. I put my hand over his, showing him exactly what I wanted him to do. He licked his lips, his brow was furrowed in concentration. His muscles were flexing with each flick of his wrist, and sweat glistened on his skin.

"More. More. More," I sighed, my frustration mounting into tension balls on my shoulders. "_More, Edward_. It's too dry."

"Are you sure I'm doing this right? Shouldn't it be moist by now?" He asked as he forced faster, circular motions. I could feel my patience wearing thin. Never ask a man to do a woman's job.

"For the love of God, I need you to keep up with me. It's too fucking dry."

"Getting pissy at me right now isn't going to make it moist, okay? Just let me work it for a while! Haven't you ever heard the term 'slow and steady wins the race'?"

"_Slow and steady _isn't what I need right now. If you whipped it with a little more enthusiasm, Eddie boy, it would most definitely be moist and glossy by now."

His hand was nothing more than a blur as he picked up the pace. My eyes blinked frantically, trying to keep up with his swift movements. I cried out, my body convulsing in tremors.

"You're going to fucking spoil it!"

"Hey, watch it, you're getting this muck all over me!" He said as he wiped some off the corner of his mouth. His tongue rolled across his sticky fingers slowly. All of the air from my lungs escaped in one big _whoosh_. I could feel my eyes roll to the back of my head. "Tastes like vanilla. You all right there, Bella?"

_If I were to die right now, I think I'd be the happiest girl on earth._

"Mhmm. Fine. I'm fine."

"Just fine? Am I still moving too slow for you?"

"Uh... Nope... You're... Good. Very good."

"Is it still too dry?"

"No, it's moist. _Very moist_."

"Moist enough for your satisfaction?"

I took a deep breath and crossed my legs in discomfort. "I'm immensely satisfied."

"We're not talking about the cake anymore, are we?" He smirked a very cheeky smirk; a smirk so devious and sexy that it made me want to jump over the kitchen counter and violate him in every way possible. I could feel my cheeks burning so strongly that heat radiated off them in large waves. I wondered whether Edward could feel it. I took the bowl away from Edward's hands and plopped the whisked egg whites onto a baking tray. I turned away from him, too scared to meet his eyes.

_Just friends... Just friends..._

"It's not just any old cake, Edward. It's a Pavlova."

"I still don't get what the fuck a Pavlova is. And I also don't get why you need so many egg whites and no flour. What the hell kind of monster cake is this?"

"It's a meringue cake. You know what a meringue is, right?"

"Oh come on, I'm not _that _clueless when it comes to baked goods. Meringue is a cheesecake, right?" I rolled my eyes before laughing at Edward's cake ignorance. Of course he had no idea. He, himself, had admitted to me years ago that he didn't even know how to make toast. I plopped the tray into the oven at two hundred and twelve degrees, quickly shutting the oven. I pulled the frozen berries out of the freezer and poured three cups into a blender. Edward's eyes were watching my every move. I turned on the blender, pulsating the berries until they were slightly mashed.

"I don't know whether you're joking, or being serious, so I'm just going to nod and smile." He playfully winked at me and I felt my knees go weak once more.

_Just friends. Just friends. You're just friends._

I leaned back against the fridge, not having the courage to look at Edward.

"You do realize that no one in the house is going to eat this cake other than you and I, right?" I felt anticipation pulsate through me, like a child on Christmas morning.

"You're gonna try the cake?" The excitement in my voice was embarrassing.

His voice lost its' joking tone and was replaced by a more tender, thoughtful resonance. "We made it...together. Of course I am. Even if the others think it's going to taste like shit."

"That's because you Americans don't appreciate the amazingness that is the Australian Pavlova. But it's okay, more for me. It's the Aussie tradition. I could eat one of these on my own."

"You've lived in America your whole life, Bella. You're not Aussie."

"But my mom's Australian, _and _I've eaten Pavlova _in _Australia, so, nerr." I poked my tongue out playfully and that damn smirk made a re-appearance. If he keeps doing that I swear I'm going to tear his clothes off and...

"Wow, what smells so good?" Strawberries and cream appeared at the kitchen door, wearing nothing but Edward's shirt. It barely covered her endless legs. I could feel my face turning into a scowl. I turned away, pretending to clean up to hide it. "Holy shit, Edward, you're cooking something?"

_Dry... Very dry... Too dry... Sahara fucking Desert dry.._

The smile from Edward's face briefly fell, before it was back in full force. It didn't look genuine, not like they way he was smiling just moments before...at me. She hugged him affectionately, kissing him chastely.

"Bella and I are making a cake." His voice sounded strained, but not enough for her to detect anything wrong. Proves how well she knows him. She looked confused before her eyes found me, across the room. She smiled at me politely.

"Oh. Hi, Bella," she greeted me. I smiled back, just barely, before I started whipping the cream manually. I just couldn't warm myself up to her. I knew I was being quite rude, but I couldn't stop it.

"So, everything okay between you two?" She muttered in what she thought was a quiet voice. What an idiot.

"Yes. A misunderstanding is all."

I imagined this cream whipping as a form of therapy for wanting to kick the shit out of strawberries and cream. I sighed and groaned and let out shaky breaths as I continued to whip the cream furiously. I tuned the two love birds out, suddenly wishing that Edward never came down here half an hour ago, just when I began cooking. Maybe then I wouldn't feel frustrated in more than one way.

By the end of my ten minute whipping session, Edward was staring at me with hooded eyes. I noticed that Tanya was gone.

"Where did she go?" I muttered, still breathing heavily.

"Shower. I... You... Uhhh..." he stammered over his words, his Adam's apple bobbing up and down with tension. "Jesus Christ."

_Sweet mother fudger, Bella, do _not_ thinking about doing unspeakable things to Edward that would make your parents blush with embar__rassment at how immoral and impure their daughter's thoughts can really be._

"It's hot in here. Isn't it hot in here?" Edward asked me as he threw off his jumper. I fought the urge to laugh as his voice reached a octave higher than usual, but the laughter quickly died in my throat as I saw him shirtless. Edward wasn't one of those overly muscular men, but he was well defined and built. I cleared my throat and looked at the ceiling with extreme interest.

"Faaaaaaaark. Hot, yep, it's hot. Friends. Just friends," I whispered, although even to my ears it sounded piss weak. I rolled up the sleeves of my jumper, taking the hoodie down. He nodded his head wordlessly, his eyes widening as he took in my neck.

"Uh... Bella..."

"What is it?"

"You might want to look at your neck in the mirror before everyone else wakes up."

"What? Why?" My hands immediately went to my neck, and I suddenly winced from unexpected pain. Why was my neck hurting so much? I ran to the bathroom on the first level, where the kitchen was, and quickly examined myself in the mirror. When I saw a collage of purples, browns and reds splattered across my neck like a canvas, I whimpered in despair.

When I tilted my head slightly to the left, I nearly squealed. Bite marks were marked perfectly against my creamy skin. Edward was standing behind me, nothing but worry on his face. He actually looked like he felt bad for what he did to me last night.

"Are you in pain? I'm sorry I hurt you."

"No, it's fine. I just...shit," I whispered nervously, looking at him through the mirror, "How the fuck am I going to explain this?"

He swallowed loudly and wrinkled his nose innocently. "Uhh...Dog...Attacked...You?"

"What dog?"

"Err...Okay scratch that...A panda?"

"Are you kidding me right now?"

"Okay. Um...Yeah I got nothin'."

"Some help you are," I muttered, feeling ashamed at how pleased I secretly was that Edward claimed his territory by marking me.

~&!*!^1!&^&~

I knew I should have been ecstatic that the Pavlova was a success, but really, I couldn't find it in me to do so. I was getting angrier and angrier by the second. Alice hummed as she finished off the last of the cake, smiling at me while doing so. I managed a weak smile, staring at the stage.

For the first time in six months, I lit up a cigarette. I felt like a big fat hypocrite, considering I scolded anyone that so much as thought of lighting up a cancer stick, but what the fuck, right? You only live once. And after a day like today, riddled with sexual tension and pure frustration, I don't intend to live another lifetime. I glared at the wall of the Blue Tree Cafe, a local cafe in Forks, wishing I was anywhere but here. I leaned back into my seat, and felt my eyes sting from tears. _God damn it, don't cry here_.

"That cake was fuckin' good, Bella-boo," Emmett said while patting his stomach.

I hated the fact that it was strawberries and creams idea to bring the cake to this fucking cafe, where I didn't even want to fucking be. I scowled at the painting on the wall.

"Bell, what's going on? You're awfully quiet tonight," Alice said from across the table. I narrowed my eyes at my best friend, blowing smoke in her face as revenge for drawing attention to my less than enthusiastic mood. I was pissed off. Russell Crow throwing a phone at a hotel employee pissed off. Edward's eyes burned holes in the middle of my head as he stared at me with his arm around strawberries and cream.

I didn't know why the fuck I even agreed to come here tonight, especially after the kitchen incident earlier today with Edward. I knew that there was more than a possibility of her being here tonight. After all, it was open mic night and Edward was keen to participate. How he even managed to fit into the usually booked out night astounded me, but hey, he's always had a way with people. He was charismatic and knew how to befriend people without effort.

"Yeah, just thirsty." I put out my cigarette and stood up. "I need a drink. Anyone want anything?"

"Coke."

"Make that two."

"Three."

"Five."

"I'll help you with those," Edward said as he began to stand up. I waved my hand at him.

"You have a gig to get ready for. It's cool, I'll get a tray or something." I didn't wait for his answer as I began to walk through the narrow passageway to get downstairs to the cafe. My high heels clicked as I walked down two flights of stairs, silence creeping behind me. Just as I was about to jump down the last three stairs, a pair of arms wrapped around me from behind pulling me back so I was leaning into him. I sighed and shook my head.

"What's wrong?" Edward whispered in my ear.

I sighed again and untangled his arms that were wrapped around me.

"We're _friends_, remember. This isn't how _friends_ act. _Friends_ are supposed to be..I don't know...not this hormonal or whatever. We're just _friends_."

"Can you stop saying _friends_?"

"Why? That's what we are."

"Look, about what I said last night-"

"There's nothing to say about that. You're right. We should just be friends. Not only that, but we have partners in the equation now. We can't be unfaithful to them. It's not fair."

He nodded his head curtly, clearly not expecting my little speech. His nostrils flared and his hands were clenched in fists.

"You're afraid of hearing what I have to say, aren't you?"

"I'm always afraid when it comes to you," I muttered as I walked away from him. He didn't follow me. I could hear his heavy footsteps walking up the dodgy stairs, back to the music room on the second floor. When I collected the cokes and finally sat down nearly half an hour later, the stage was dimly lit. A friend from high school, Angela, was sitting on a stool with her acoustic guitar, singing folk songs. I couldn't help but tap my toes to her songs. She was really talented. Insanely talented. She should be in my music class in school. The teacher would absolutely adore her.

"You don't like me much, do you?" Tanya asked me as Edward walked up with his guitar case toward the stage. I stared at her in shock.

_Guess she isn't as stupid as I gave her credit for_.

"What gives you that impression?" I asked innocently.

"I just get cold vibes from you," she said as she stared at Edward, smiling. "Edward has good judgment in people, you know. That's one of the things I love about him the most. He sees something good in you; otherwise he wouldn't keep trying to talk to you. If he doesn't like somebody, or gets bad vibes from them, he wouldn't give them the time of day."

When she looked at me, she laughed. I wonder what she saw on my face.

"I guess what I'm trying to say is, I want to be your friend. A lot of people in this room love you, Bella aAnd I hope to be counted as one of your friends someday. You seem like a cool chick, even though you look like you want to tear my head off half the time."

_And the asshole award goes to... Bella fucking Swan! Three cheers for your awful personality._

"Wow. I don't know what to say, Tanya." _Tell her what you call her behind her back. Tell her that her boyfriend and you have been in love with each other for years now. Tell her h__ow we very easily could have had sex last night. _"I'm really not worth the time to get to know."

That had to have been the only truthful thing I've said all day.

"Hi all," Edward's deep voice sounded over the speakers. Tanya squeezed my hand kindly before she turned around to face Edward. Guilt was nagging at me now. I felt like an absolute asshole. It took balls to do what Tanya just did, and instead of giving her a heartfelt response, my mouth flapped open and closed like a damn fish. "Thanks for all of your support to the local music scene. Not that I know much about it. I only just moved here a few nights ago."

I couldn't help but laugh with the rest of the group. Every person in the audience was captivated by Edward. He had that affect on people.

"One the way over here, I was going over what songs I should play for you, in my head. I'm still trying to think of that list as I'm delaying the inevitable." His smirk made my head melt. "But something happened to me yesterday; something life changing. My dad got re-married to one of the most beautiful women on the planet. And not only that, I had a revelation. One of those time stopping, putting everything into perspective type of revelations. This song is from the heart. Thanks to the band, who I managed to convince to play with me for this one."

As the slow guitar riff and drum loop started playing, goosebumps erupted over every inch of my body. I knew this song. Of course I knew it. Edward sent me this song after I told him about Jacob. And he was playing it now. Was this his way of saying _fuck you, Bella_? Or maybe I was just reading too much into it? I sank into my seat out of a secret humiliation that no one but Edward knew of.

"_Don't fool yourself. She was heartache from the moment that you met her. My heart is frozen still, as I try to find the will to forget her somehow. She's somewhere out there now._"

When Edward sang the lyrics, he looked directly at me. I wanted to scream at him for being so obvious, but I couldn't. I was frozen in my seat. It felt like I was watching this entire scenario from the perspective of the fly on the wall. Tanya whispered something in my ear, but I couldn't comprehend what she said. My eyes were glued on the green eyed man I loved intensely.

Who was singing about his broken heart.

_JUST FRIENDS, BELLA! _My mind kept screaming at me.

But how can I keep saying we're just friends? There is no way that we are just friends. There was always that connection, something more, even before we met. We both knew that, otherwise we wouldn't be deluding ourselves. _But that's exactly what we've been doing._

Deep down I knew that Edward and I could never be _just_ friends. I just wished it could be that simple.

"_I try to forget. Her love was a joke from the day that we met. All of the words, all of her men. All of my pain when I think back to when. Remember her hair as it shone in the sun." _Edward's voice was escalating, and I knew that he was singing from all of the pain that I caused him. You could see it in his face. He was singing his pain. I let out a shaky breath, standing up suddenly.

Alice looked at me in concern, and with my eyes I told her not to follow me.

"_The smell on the bed when I knew what she'd done. Tell yourself over and over you won't ever need her again. But don't fool yourself."_

I could still hear Edward singing as I reached the outside of the cafe. I hit the metal wall angrily, crying out. I hated this. I fucking hated this. I thought that I could handle being without Edward. As much as this entire situation hurt me before, it was nothing compared to now. Now I knew what it felt like to be in his arms, to become lost in his eyes, to smell him, and to wake up beside him.

"_My heart is frozen still, as I try to find the will to forget you somehow. Cause I know you're someone out there right now."_

"Bella?" A familiar voice called out behind me.

When I turned around, a whoosh of air escaped me. Was this a sign from God? Without saying a word to Jake, I let him take me in his arms.

"Do you want to come back to mine, Bella? Are you okay?"

As my eyes filled with tears, I let my lips drag across Jake's neck as he carried me to the car.

"Help me forget, Jake," I pleaded.


	4. Chapter 4: Hometown Glory

_A/N: It's been a while, my friends. :) How has everybody been in recent months? I'm officially on break from uni now, so I have much more time to write. I really hope you enjoy this one, it was a bitch to write, but i'm pleased with the final product. Let me know what you think of it - a lot changes between characters in this chapter. A bigggg thank you to my BETA, Misty, for getting this back to me so quickly, and giving me more confidence in this type of writing style. :) As always, this chapter is in Bella's POV. Very soon you'll be hearing things from Edward's side ;) The next chapter will be up very soon - i've nearly finished it._

**_WARNING: There is drug use in this chapter. If you don't like it, sorry, but it needs to happen!_**

_

* * *

_

**Chapter 4: Hometown Glory  
**_Chapter Song: Hometown Glory (High Contrast Remix) by Adele_

_

* * *

__Bella, you've been having a lot of inner monologue moments lately. Now I'm sure you're also extremely aware that it's far from normal to be referring to yourself in third person, but it makes your thoughts easier to process. Do NOT think about Edward Cullen. Don't do it, Bella. You should know by now that thinking about him and all of his glorious god-like beauty won't get you anywhere seeing as you can't touch him, let alone be with him at all. _

_DO. NOT. THINK. ABOUT. EDWARD. CULLEN._

Ahh shit, I'm thinking about Edward Cullen.

It's damn near pathetic that everything in my world seemed to revolve around the seventeen year old boy that stole my heart and sanity when I was just fifteen. It was quite torturous considering the fact that we couldn't even be together… ignoring the fact that my reluctance to break up with Jacob is the major factor as to why. But I digress. I was dependent on him like my lungs needed air. It's a shame that today we've only ignored, fought or glared at each other – far from the morning where we were joking around while making pavlova in the Cullen kitchen.

When I called him an egotistical dickhead just before we walked into the classroom two hours ago, it was my way of telling him I missed him and I loved him so much it hurt.

Insane logic, right?

I mentally groaned long and loud, not really caring about the fact that I was in a school examination. My mind was far from being able to concentrate on scientific equations and methods.

This addiction isn't fucking healthy. Seriously. It's like I'm a drug addict, going through the worst case of withdrawals known to man. I'm going through the motions – the hot and cold flushes, aggravation, isolation, the aching need for another hit and willing to do anything to make that a mere possibility knowing that if I were to ever get a fix, I would want it again the moment it leaves my system. It would never be enough. I would _never_ get enough of him.

To think of him touching someone else… being with someone else… it drives me crazy.

I wish this problem had to do with _drug _withdrawals. It would make my life a lot easier. I had a police chief for a father who could quite easily cuff me and send me off to rehab instantly. I could beat a drug addiction quite easily. Was love like this for everyone else in the world; an insatiable, infallible desperation to be with that person every minute of every day? Any moron could see that I was going through Edward Cullen withdrawals. I needed him so badly my body was calling out to him, twitching and pulsating and writhing for the need of his flesh against mine again.

_No… This can't be normal. It just can't._

I looked down to the bundle of papers in front of me and sighed.

_The most common method of transmission of the _Giardia _protozoan that causes diarrhoea is by…_

Fuck me dead. I fucking _detest_ exams, especially science ones. Who the hell wants to do a science exam first thing in the morning? Talk about fucked up.

Today's just fucking shit – and according to this examination question – quite literally.

I tapped my pencil relentlessly against the paper. Tap. Tap. Tap. Mother. Fucking. Tap.

Whatever was going through my pea for brains seemed to think that the more I tapped my pencil against the paper, the more I might be able to concentrate and, oh, I don't know, know the answers, perhaps? I was trying desperately to concentrate on this damn exam, but I couldn't when _he _was sitting directly behind me. The hairs that were standing on the back of my neck indicated to me that he was most definitely looking at me right now. The butterflies that made me want to throw up this morning's breakfast let me know that I wasn't subconsciously wishing he was.

He looks really fucking hot today.

I should probably invest in a swear jar. I'd be in debt to myself.

I made a quiet squeaking noise and tried to concentrate on my paper and not the piece of hunky man meat that was most definitely staring at the back of my head.

_An example of a disease which is NOT vector borne is:  
a) Malaria  
b)Dengue fever  
c) Cryptosporidium  
d) Tapeworm_

Um… maybe the next question would be gentler on my brain.

_In England in 1776, Edward Jenner developed the first vaccination against the disease…_

Shit!

Fuck science! Fuck it royally! Why the hell was I even doing this subject anyway? It wasn't like I was particularly good at the damn subject, or wanted to do something with it at college. I wish that Charlie was here so I could kick him square in the balls right now. I wanted to fucking stay home today and not be around people, but _nooooooo_. Charlie wanted me to join society again after locking myself in my room for the past week.

Damn my father and his unconditional love for me.

I really fucking hate my life right now.

To say that this past week has been a barrel of sunshine and lollipops would be a load of poopie. Not even joking around here. After that awful stint at Edward's gig, Jake took me home. I ended up crying the entire night, promptly scaring him off quite early into the night. After that, I vanished off the Forks radar which is pretty difficult to do considering how small the town is and followed the golden rule for mending a broken heart… eat until your heart has mended.

I think from my bulk shopping of all things chocolate, I managed to keep the supermarket financially afloat for the next six months but it didn't heal my bleeding heart. It did, however, cause me to gain a shit load of weight. I actually have _boobs _now! I didn't really care about the weight gain, for the most part. Maybe if I get fat, Jake would lose interest in me. Maybe he wouldn't want to touch me anymore and dump me - all because I don't have the guts to reciprocate.

To even wish that Jake would do such a thing proves how much of a cold hearted bitch I really am.

In addition to growing boobies and even a ghetto booty, I've missed an additional week of school, too. Today's my first proper day back. Upon my arrival, I got screamed at by Alice, glared at by Jasper, received the disappointed look from Emmett and completely ignored by Edward. The only person that I _wanted_ to leave me alone didn't, and that was my poor, loving boyfriend, who was just worried for me.

He's sitting beside me as we speak. I didn't even want to look in his direction in fear that he'd be staring at me with lovey dovey eyes. I knew he sensed something really weird has been going on with me. It was only a matter of time before the truth, and the shit, would really hit the fan. I hoped it would.

It would honestly kill me to not have Jake in my life if we were to break up. While I admit that I'm not _in _love with Jake, he's still my best friend. My heart would still break over him inevitably hating me… but this love we have…it's like anchors are around my ankles, dragging me helplessly toward the bottom of the ocean. The pressure to stay with him was too much for me to handle anymore. I think part of me must really enjoy the complaining and sobbing and depression. Why else would I still be doing this now that Edward was well and truly in the picture indefinitely?

But I can't lose Jacob. I love him too much to ever lose him. I also didn't want to lose Edward, either.

I'm so selfish it's disgusting.

And let's not forget about the fact that a strawberry blonde named Tanya was in the picture, too.

_Stupid strawberries and cream._

The fact that she has been so fucking nice to me since we met - besides when she was glaring daggers into my skull the night of Carlisle and Esme's wedding - has made me feel even worse for wanting to violate _her _boyfriend. I wanted to do everything physically possible with Edward – things I never thought I'd ever want to do with anyone sexually. It made me ashamed of myself. Was it normal for a seventeen year old to be this sexually frustrated?

"Ten minutes, folks." Mr Young chimed happily from behind his desk.

I rubbed my temples furiously, wishing I actually _tried_ to study for this damn exam. I probably wouldn't be able to graduate junior year. Another year of this? No fucking thank you.

Mr Young's happy voice was replaced with a stern squeak.

"Emmett Cullen, get down from your desk immediately!" Emmett's booming laughter was followed by several hoots and applause. I hadn't known what he had done, for I stared with extreme aggravation at my fifty pages of exam paper before me. What the hell was I going to write on this damn test? I've missed out on most of the fucking curriculum! "Enough, students! Next person who talks or does something stupid during exam hours gets an immediate disqualification."

A soft murmur of sighs and ruffling of papers flooded the silent classroom as students tried to frantically complete their exams within the next ten minutes.

It took me a few minutes too long to realize that there were _four_ sections to the exam and I had only done _one_.

_FUCK!_

I maniacally flipped through the pages, scribbling down half assed notes and pathetic graphs and diagrams.

I slipped my fingers underneath the scarf that was uncomfortably wrapped around my neck anxiously. It was another reminder of my sin… Edward's violent hickey. It hadn't even remotely dissipated since that night he latched his tongue and teeth to my skin like a vice grip. Lucky for me, Jacob hasn't found it odd that I've been suddenly walking around with a scarf for the past week in spring weather. Either he was entirely too trusting, or completely oblivious.

This damn scarf was a fucking noose around my neck.

_Evaluate the impact of increasingly sophisticated medical technologies in the health system of the United States._

Yeah, this is fucking ridiculous.

"Pencils down, students. The exam is now over. People from the back, pass your papers to the person in front of you until it is eventually passed to the front. EMMETT MCCARTY, IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME…"

I sighed in defeat and threw my pencil down angrily. I was going to fail that fucking exam and repeat my junior year, I just know it.

"How did you do?" Jess asked me, turning around from the desk in front of me to eventually collect the rows papers. She didn't look like she was generally interested. It was probably because her group of skank bitches weren't around and she was making do with me.

"I highly doubt I'll even pass." I said truthfully.

"You always worry about your mark but you do well. You're a nerd like that. You always end up passing, with flying colors, really."

"Um…" What was I meant to say to that? "What about you?" I asked, not hiding the fact that I was less than enthusiastic about this conversation.

"I don't really care, it's not like I even want to do this fucking subject."

"Yep."

Well this has been a great conversation…

"You'll do fine," Angela said, who was sitting beside me. I always liked Angela. She was so nice and innocent and pure. "You look nervous about something. You all right?"

"Thanks Angie," I said, smiling. "Do you feel confident about your mark?"

"I think I'll do okay. I…" Angela and Jessica were staring wide eyed at something behind me. Or I should say some_one_. I felt a slow trickle of anticipation moving down my body.

I felt a soft hand touch my shoulder lightly.

I turned around, bracing myself for the impact of slamming into a brick wall.

I wasn't disappointed.

Edward was now kneeling beside me, looking at me with foreign emotion. His body warmth was rolling off him, radiating toward my now ice cold skin. I slowly took the papers from Edward's hands, and just as he was this morning, so damn hot he could melt fucking glaciers. He had his elbow on my desk and his chin resting on his palm. I passed the papers to Jessica without looking. I think I heard the papers dropping. I think I don't really care. Maybe my papers would mix with someone who would actually pass. Here's hoping.

I bit my lip subconsciously and stared at his attire. His black jeans were almost skin tight, red converse shoes touching the bottom of my chair leg. He was wearing a _The Cure _band shirt, and a faded, black leather jacket. His hair looked as if his fingers tousled and fiddled with the locks a thousand times during the exam. He was sex appeal, full stop.

"You look like you've seen a ghost." He said in a rough, husky voice. "What are you staring at?"

"I… I um… I like your shirt."

His eyes were now sparkling with amusement in the form of dark emeralds. Our fingers brushed, like a breeze in the wind caressing bare skin, like a secret. The briefest of touches, yet it sent an electric shock through my entire body. He was staring at the violet scarf around my neck and leaned forward slightly. I couldn't keep my eyes away from him.

"What's the scarf for?" he asked me innocently. The fire that ignited in his eyes was begging to burn me.

I narrowed my eyes.

"You know why it's there, Edward." Seething anger.

"If it's any consultation, I like it. The scarf, I mean. Good way of keeping whatever it is you seem to be hiding a secret."

"Don't start."

"I have no idea what you're talking about." Amusement.

"Don't fucking start, Edward." Fury.

"Still there, isn't it? I sure know how to leave a mark." Smugness.

"God! Just fuck off!" I growled, throwing my bag over my shoulder and turning away from him.

I felt his hot breath in my ear. "You're really sexy when you're angry." When I turned around to look at him in genuine horror at his gutsiness, he was already walking over to Emmett and Jasper, who were laughing loudly about something.

Edward and I have a very weird love/hate relationship at the moment. More hate than love, though. I think that all of our anger towards the fact that being together isn't a possibility manifests into bickering and frustration. We've already had three fights today, one of them being when he bumped into me intentionally in the locker area, the second when he rolled his eyes at me when I mumbled apologies and lame excuses to Alice for being M.I.A, and the third being when I apparently didn't say hi to him in the car park this morning.

Everyone seemed to think that we hated each other.

I kind of wished they were right.

I rolled my eyes to myself, wishing I could shake this feeling away. I glanced over at Alice briefly, sensing her eyes on me, and when our eyes made contact, I felt my heart sink to the bottom of my stomach. She didn't just witness what happened between Edward and I, did she?

No way. No fucking way! I was being damn paranoid right now.

There was _no way _she could have heard what we said, or even what he whispered to me I turned away from him. Even Jess and Angie wouldn't have heard what we were saying, it was that quiet. I was just worrying about nothing.

She was staring at me with a look in her eye I didn't like. She raised an eyebrow and mouthed the words '_we need to talk_'. I felt like a child being scolded by their parent, or even a male who was expecting the third degree from his girlfriend.

I am _so _not used to being this dramatic.

* * *

"So since you decided to fucking go all M.I.A. and shit, we might as well fill you in on all of the goss that's happened recently."

"Thanks for letting us know you were alive, by the way."

"Yeah, nice to know you care enough to pick up the fucking phone every once in a while."

"We had to talk to your fucking Dad to get updates on, you know, you being _alive."_

"What is this? Pick on Bella day?" I mumbled in annoyance.

Alice rolled her eyes and started her story as she chewed on a piece of celery and peanut butter.

"So we had this party at our house the other night, yeah? Oh yeah, _thanks _for letting us know you weren't coming to that. It was some epic shit."

"For fucks sake." I sighed.

"_Anyway_," Alice interrupted. "Jessica, Lauren and the rest of the skank parade decided to invite themselves. So wasn't impressed with that, but I let it slide. Anyway, they came, on god knows what, blabbering on about how much they hate the world because they can't get fucked, blah, blah, fucking blah."

'I'm surprised Alice didn't kick them out once she knew they were on something."

"I wish I did. So then Jess came up to me thinking I gave a shit about her problems. We _all _have problems, and you know, I'm quite happy to help someone out… _if it's a legitimate reason to be upset. _You know what the fuck Jessica was going on about? _Not wanting to be at my fucking party._"

I tried to act interested, but in all honesty, I just didn't give a shit.

"So I was all like, 'if you didn't want to go to the party, why did you come?' and she was blabbering on and on about_ Mike fucking Newton_ of all people, drinking until she could barely stand up. It was fucking pathetic. She kept making goo-goo eyes at Edward, and it was all like, 'Uhh.. Aren't you depressed over the fact that Mike just got a girlfriend?' Seriously, who the fuck does that shit? I'm sure if anyone showed her any sort of interest she would have pounced on them in a heartbeat."

"Edward of course didn't do anything, but that might partially have to do with the fact that Tanya was sitting on his lap the entire night," Jasper said.

I winced. Definitely didn't want to hear that.

"He wouldn't cheat on Tanya with Jessica of all people."

You're most definitely right about that, Jazz… He'd cheat on strawberries and cream with me. And he has.

"She would throw herself at a cat if it showed interest." _Ouch._

"She's a proper slut," Emmett said, grinning at me as Alice's eyes grew darker with anger.

"That's not very nice!" I said, looking away from Emmett and staring into space.

"What? It's true. And guess who had to be the fucking designated driver that night?" She raised her hand angrily. "Me! I was fucking scared to death she was going to puke in my Porsche. I just got the fucking car and it was fucking orgasmic, okay? Sexy black leather seats. Purrs like you wouldn't believe. _Leather fucking seats. _I kept saying to her 'Don't puke in my fucking car!' and you know what the bitch did?"

Alice was in one of her moods today. I tried to humor her, because I knew what would head in our direction if she lost her shit. I tried not to think about the fact that it might be because of Edward and I. I forced myself to look my best friend in the eye and raised an eyebrow in an attempt at curiosity.

"She fucking puked in my car!"

"She didn't." I sounded bored. I couldn't help it.

"You know what, you're not helping me at all," Alice said angrily, throwing a sliced piece of cucumber at my head. It slowly moved down my face, leaving a cold, wet trail behind. Emmett's laughter was so loud it echoed through the entire cafeteria.

"You crazy bitch!" I yelled, throwing a cherry tomato at her.

She easily dogged it, due to my lack of coordination. She glared at me, obviously forgetting about the fact that she started this shit first. Her eyes were now like slits. Shit was about to hit the fan and I wasn't in the mood to be on the receiving end. I stood up, ready to walk away.

"You and I need to talk." she said in a dangerously quiet voice.

"Later. I'm late for music." I muttered, leaving my tray of food in front of Emmett as I walked away from the group.

As I got my music books out of my locker, I jumped when I saw Jacob leaning beside me.

"Shit! You know I fucking hate it when you sneak up on me, Jake!"

"Sorry, sorry!" he said, staring at my scarf.

"What?" Fear was pouring out of me. I was scared to death as I watched his hands peel away my scarf. I know I should have fucking pulled away, and screamed at him for invading my damn privacy, but I was frozen. I couldn't fucking move as his eyes widened at the large hickey that was splattered across my neck like a canvas.

"What the fuck is _that_?" He growled, staring at the hickey like it was the piece of shit under his shoe.

_Oh God. _My dirty secret is out now. He's going to know that I cheated on him. He's going to find out everything now, all because I was too stupid and dumb.

"Bella, _what the fuck is a hickey doing on your neck?_" He was so angry he was visibly humming. I took short, shaky breaths, hearing my blood pump furiously in my ears. I didn't want him to find out this way – he _shouldn't _have found out this way!

"I… I…" I stammered, too scared of Jake's anger to really say anything.

"_YOU FUCKING CHEATED ON ME?" _He screamed, hitting my locker door with such strength he dented the metal. I blinked away my tears, scared of this Jacob.

Who was this Jacob? I had never seen him even get remotely close to the anger I was witnessing now. I did this to him. I'm the reason he's so angry.

I deserve everything that's coming.

_No. Lie._

"What?" I asked myself.

Jacob narrowed his eyes, stepping impossibly closer to me. I tried to move away, but his hands were digging into my shoulders.

"How could you do this to me, Bella?"

"I don't know what you're talking about!" I screamed back at him, lying through my teeth.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing?" An angry voice sounded in the distance.

_Oh God, this can't be happening!_

Edward was storming toward us, Alice wide eyed behind him. I wondered what this situation looked like from the outside, with Jake pinning me against the locker, his arms digging into my shoulders so painfully I was sure I would be bruised. Tears in my eyes and him screaming at me.

I bet I looked like a victim.

I wanted him to hit me. I sure as hell deserved it.

"Get. Your. Hands. Off. Her." Edward said in a voice that would freeze mercury.

"Edward, it's fine," I said, not looking at him, and sounding way too calm.

"What the fuck is it _your _business, Cullen?" My boyfriend growled, looking at me.

"_Get your fucking hands off her!_"

"I didn't cheat on you!" I exclaimed in a quiet whisper, knowing that Jake was waiting for me to explain himself.

"Bullshit!"

"It was at Carlisle and Esme's wedding!" I yelled, trying to push him off me. He didn't budge, but I noticed the anger in his eyes turned to confusion. I was getting through to him. "You were drunk, okay? You latched onto my neck, and you were too drunk to remember it. I didn't want Charlie to see it so I've been wearing this fucking scarf since, okay? I didn't cheat on you."

I wasn't looking at Edward, but I knew that in lying about that night, I broke his heart all over again… but I couldn't hurt Jake. I just couldn't.

"You… You didn't cheat on me?" Jake sounded calm again.

_Crisis averted._

"No, baby." I sounded so convincing it made me sick. Jake pulled me into a hug so tight I couldn't breathe. I looked over his shoulder, to the spot where Edward stood that was now empty.

* * *

Instead of talking to Alice after school, like I originally agreed to, I decided to go to a party with Jake.

I thought that it would have been a good distraction from what had happened, but really, I was downright pissed off and disgusted with myself.

Jake nearly found out the truth today and I should have been honest with him. I should have told him that I wasn't _in _love with him anymore, and that Edward Cullen stole my heart from the moment we started talking. I should have done the right thing. Instead, I ran like a coward. Part of me knew I was breaking the wrong heart, but I felt powerless to stop it.

I stared at my reflection in the passenger seat mirror, mentally glaring at my own reflection. The self loathing in my eyes was pretty fucking pathetic. I could see behind my innocent eyes - if that's what I dared to think of them as - I was dead on the inside. I wasn't a fool. There was nothing innocent about me. Nothing at all.

So why did everybody think I was some innocent, delicate piece of porcelain? It sure beats me.

_Bella, Bella, Bella... You are a fucking moron._

I was a depressing parody of myself. I couldn't stand looking at my reflection any longer. How fucking pathetic. I couldn't even stand my own company for more than a minute without feeling sick to my stomach.

I've managed to establish countless times over the past few years, (these past few months, especially) how I am a glutton for punishment. There was always something I would beat myself up for over and now was no exception. I seriously think that I must subconsciously enjoy the emotional pain I put myself through just so I have something to complain about. Why else would I keep doing this?

I stared at my reflection once more and sighed before looking away permanently from the mirror.

_My name is Isabella Swan... and I'm addicted to emotional pain._

Why are you doing this to me?" I snapped at my poor boyfriend, tapping my fingers angrily against the dashboard.

We were on our way to his friend Paul's house. There was only one problem; we were lost. Very lost. Bermuda triangle lost. I tapped his address into the GPS for the ninth time, growling obscenities when it told us to drive through the ocean to get to our destination... again.

"Fucking piece of shit nav man!"

"Baby," Jake said cheerfully, our argument earlier today long forgotten. "I love you, I really do, but you need to chill the fuck out. Can you do that for me? Just breathe in and relax. This is an adventure. You used to love it whenever I'd get lost driving."

_I wish you'd get lost right now._

"It stopped being an adventure forty minutes ago, Jake. Why didn't we just _walk _there? It's ten minutes by foot to his house. Couldn't you have shown off you damn car another day?"

"Is it my fault that in order to drive you have to take a different route? You've had the flu for two weeks, Bells. I'm not going to make you walk there." His chirpy voice was quickly being replaced by anger. Good. A fight is just what I need right now. Utterly stupid to long for a fight with him when he nearly _hit _me today.

"Whatever," I hissed.

"God damn it!" He growled, slamming his hand against the dashboard. The intensity of the slap echoed in my mind over and over. I pictured him wishing that he was hitting me instead of the dashboard.

I tried to shake the scary thought from my mind, but it played over and over like a broken record.

All we seemed to do is fight nowadays and I know it's my fault.

"Bells, you're really starting to piss me off. I just didn't want you to walk while you can barely move. Like I said before."

"We both know that's a lie. You wanted to show off the rabbit. And you know what, Jake? It's called looking up directions and _not _relying on a fucking GPS that doesn't even calculate an accurate route!"

"Directions," he scoffed.

"What the fuck is it with men refusing to accept directions?"

"Could you stop fucking swearing? What the hell is wrong with you?" He yelled as he gripped the steering wheel tightly. "Who the hell have you become, Isabella? I barely even recognize the girl I fell in love with!"

"People change, Jake."

"Not to the point where they're unrecognizable. I see nothing in you that I saw when I fell for you. What the fuck has happened?"

"Stop the car."

"What?"

"_Stop the fucking car!"_ I screamed.

Jake hit the brakes and, before the car had even come to a halt, I was already out of the seat and walking down the dark street. Jake was calling out my name, but I was too angry to respond.

I wasn't angry with him. After all, Jake's right. I've become a different person in recent weeks. Far less likable, that's for sure. Even Charlie couldn't handle being around me for more than ten seconds at a time. I just didn't know how to stop this disaster I created.

So I just keep creating turmoil and disasters around me, until it would be all I know how to do.

"Bella!"

The sound of his hand hitting the dashboard roared in my mind, scaring me out of my wits. I took a shaky breath, desperately trying to blink away the tears that were threatening to fall.

"Jake. You're hurting me," I whispered. He had his fingers digging into my arms, just like he had hours ago.

His vice grip immediately ceased. The rush of blood flowing back to my arm was wonderful. His hands ended up on my shoulders. I couldn't look at him. I was too scared to. I instead chose to look at my shoes.

"I'm sorry," He said almost inaudibly, nearly in a daze.

He apologized again when I didn't answer him. I couldn't look at him.

"For?"

"For hurting you. Again. For pissing you off. For everything. I just lost my cool, babe. I'm just worried I'm losing you. It won't happen again... I just... I miss you."

I shook my head angrily.

"Don't. Please don't, Jake."

I started walking again, needing to get away from him. I needed to sob and scream and get these emotions out of my system before I can talk to him calmly again.

"Where are you walking to, _loca_?" He asked as he made me stop walking again.

"Alice's," I said curtly.

He brushed his thumb against my lip tenderly. Guilt punched through my chest painfully.

_What the fuck am I doing? How did I get to this moment, right here? I should have been honest with him._

"I'll drive you there. There's no way I'm letting you walk out here alone in the dark."

"No, it's all right. I uhh... I'm sorry."

"For what, baby?"

_For being in love with Edward Cullen. For cheating on you on Carlisle and Esme's wedding night. For knowing I'd do it over again if I could. For putting you through all of my bullshit when you deserve so much more than I am willing to give you. And especially for deciding not to tell you the truth today._

I prompted for an easier reply.

"For being a bitch. It's just that this flu won't go away."

Even when I partly tell the truth, I still manage to lie.

"I'm sorry too. Do you want me to take you home?"

"Nah," I said, lacing his fingers through mine. I tried to sound a lot happier than I felt, because for once, I needed to stop being so selfish. "Let's find our way to Paul's."

* * *

Half an hour later we were settled into Paul's house.

He always held infamous house parties – strictly invites only – filled with shitloads of sex, booze, drugs and thumping loud music. There was always anticipation when his next party would be, and whether it would top the last. It always did. I was already well and truly on my way toward intoxication, dancing with a bottle of liquor in my hand.

I lifted the bottle of alcohol to my lips, not even wincing as the hard liquor rushed down my throat and eventually ran through my bloodstream. And boy, oh boy, could I feel it. My mind was racing a million miles an hour, but my body couldn't keep up. I kept tripping over my feet.

_Who cares? It's a party!_

"Fuck yeah!" I screamed, shaking my hips to the rhythm of the song.

I kept telling myself that I needed this... to just let loose and dance and drink my troubles away. I shook my hips to the thick bass line, not giving a damn about my well known lack of coordination. Nothing mattered right now except this moment of freedom. Not a pair of green eyes and bronze hair.

I slowed my dancing, feeling the buzz begin to leave me at the thought of...

_Do NOT think about him, Bella!_

"Bella, you sexy bitch! Get the hell over here!" Leah yelled, grinning from ear to ear. I squealed as I jumped into her arms, ecstatic to see her. Leah and I weren't the closest of friends, but we always enjoyed each other's company.

"What's goss,_ chica_?"

"Sam and I broke up last night."

I stopped dancing and stared at her wide eyed.

No fucking way! I thought they were going to be walking down the damn aisle soon! This shit's insane!

"What? Why?" I gasped.

"I found out he was emotionally cheating on me."

_What?_

"Say what now?"

"You know... not physically cheating on your partner, but having love for someone else. I think that's worse than just sexual cheating, don't you think? Fucking scumbag."

My stomach dropped as her words felt far too coincidental to be brought up now. Does she know? She must know! Holy fucking shitballs, she's probably testing me right now! I took a deep breath and hugged her tightly, scared to death to talk. It seemed like way too much of a coincidence considering the shit that went down between Jake and I today. But Leah was like an open book… she made it obvious if she was pissed off with someone.

"Bella!" Jake called me over. I smiled sympathetically at Leah, but also damn glad I could leave her intense stare.

I was in the corner of the room, only _just_ able to stand. It was well past two am now, and I had already consumed four alco-pops, a bottle of vodka and I may have smoked something. No idea what it was, but hey, it's a party!

_Who motherfucking cares? It's a GREAT party!_

"Oops!" I exclaimed when I dropped the bottle and its contents soaked into the carpet. Jake laughed wickedly, reaching for my hand. He licked the spilt liquid from my fingers, smirking at me innocently.

I laughed like a crazed women as Jake pressed himself against me. He was ready and willing for us to have sex right here and now, all anger from our heated argument gone. He was certainly taking my mind off things, that's for sure. Jake poked his tongue out and my eyes caught sight of the white pill in the center. I leaned forward, my tongue already salivating at the thought of ecstasy coursing through my veins.

My tongue light brushed against his, before the tablet slid down my throat seductively. I grinned against Jake's lips as he pulled me toward him.

For such a large boy, Jake sure knew how to move. He could make up for my dorky moves tenfold. I grinded against his hips, feeling free and blissfully unaware of my surroundings. The bass line thumped loudly from the speakers and vibrated against my toes. I felt like I was on cloud nine. Jake laced his fingers through mine and twirled me around a few times before he pressed my back against his chest.

I held a bottle of whiskey in my free hand, squealing the lyrics to the song. I think I even made up my own along the way.

_Who cares? I'm off my fucking face!_

"Another success, Paul," Embry beamed, brushing his knuckles against Paul's. Paul was grinning, taking in the intoxicated mess around him. There were bodies _everywhere_. Dancing, grinding, unconscious – you name it. Everybody was having a fucking fantastic time, yours truly included.

"Considering this was all done last minute, I'm pretty pleased."

I untangled myself from Jake, still laughing hysterically, and bear hugged Paul. He wrapped his arms around me steadily, laughing with me. Or at me. Not sure. Don't care.

"Easy there, Bella-boo. You're waaaasted!" He laughed.

I screamed my previous inner monologue aloud.

"Who motherfucking damn cares, it's a fucking party! WOO!"

I needed to touch _everything _right now. It's one of the perks of ecstasy, I guess. Everything felt so damn _soft! _I kissed him on the lips and screamed again, squirming my way into the center of the dance floor.

I could have been dancing for minutes, or hours for all I knew, but at one point, I could feel my body starting to crash on me. Bile started to rise in my throat and I was sweating like a fucking pig. Was that right? I mean, I've done ecstasy before, but never with all of the alcohol consumption and... shit... What else did I have?

It was only so I could forget about... him.

I stopped dancing, suddenly feeling extremely sober. It was as if time slowed down, and I was watching myself fall apart with realization.

_No, no, no. Why did I do this? _

_Because of Edward. Because of him. It's always him._

"Bella! Bella!" I swear it's as if my mind was playing tricks on me. Was this a side effect of the drugs? Imagining things? Usually I just want to take my clothes off and fuck when I'm high.

"Bella!" Someone shook my shoulders furiously. I couldn't focus on anything. I felt like my heart was beating slower and slower. Something's wrong with me! When I looked up to the person who was shaking me, my eyes rolled to the back of my head. My entire body started convulsing, and I slipped into darkness.


	5. Chapter 5: Stellar

_A/N: My BETA and I have had a bit of trouble trying to edit this chapter, so sorry if there's errors. It wouldn't come up on my notebook! I also apologise for the lack of updates recently - this year has been insane! I've also been re-writing _bloodflowers_ as I have come a long way as a writer since then. _

_Warning: There are drug references in this chapter. Just thought I should warn anyone that has a week stomach. There's a lot of vomiting in this chapter._

_As always, the chapter is told from Bella's POV. Let me know what you think of this chapter, friends. _

* * *

**Chapter 5: Stellar  
**_Chapter Song: Stellar by Incubus_

* * *

Was that my phone ringing?

Nah, it can't be. It's in my hand. Or at least it was.

"...yeah so you're passed out with your head in the toilet bowl and you won't wake the fuck up. So... Wake the fuck up!"

"Oh wait, did she just laugh?"

"Hmm. Bella? Are you dead?"

"She's breathing, stupid. Oh wait, that was _definitely _laughter."

_Holy shitballs._

I am a living ball of shit. How revolting, yet hilarious.

Was I living in a dream right now? Was being a ball of shit really happening to me? Was my head honestly glued to the toilet seat whilst I expelled my bodily fluids into the toilet? I giggled hysterically before vomit poured out of my mouth again.

I am literally a piece of shit right now.

Also, why the fuck did I still want to laugh while I was violently sick? Am I really as off my rocket as think I am right now?

"I guess," I croaked, still spitting out vomit. "I can see the humor in this."

"Bella... That's... not normal." Paul chuckled, gently removing the hair that stuck to my face. "You had an overdose and you think it's funny?"

I giggled again, still feeling like a ball of shit swimming in a toilet bowl.

_Oh, Bella, you dirty bitch._

"Uh, Bells." Was that _Emmett_? What the hell was he doing here? Was he always here? Holy shit I really am off my fucking face. How the hell can you miss someone like _Emmett_, even here in the damn rez! "What the fuck did you eat for your stomach acid to stink so bad?"

The sad thing about it was he wasn't joking. There was nothing but pure shock in his voice. If I wasn't busy preparing to throw up again, I'd be extremely offended.

"It's what... I... d-d-rank y-you smart a-ass," I replied in stutters, my face deep in the bowl now. "and what I t-t-oo-k-k."

Yep, my face has been in this fine piece of porcelain for the past few hours. Hasn't anyone realized by now that I'm the fucking queen of class? How dare they be disgusted by my bodily fluids? What on earth is wrong with the world?

Ooh, shit feeling gone, I feel like I'm floating on a cloud! Oh my gosh, maybe I _am_ a cloud! That would be so fucking awesome! Maybe I was swimming, floating in the ocean!

Man, the world is a beautiful place. Nothing could possibly be wrong right now. Even though my body was trying to reject all of the drugs and alcohol, I could still feel its influence. Sickness be damned, I feel fucking fantastic!

I decided to ignore Emmett the magician's brutal, but true, comment.

"I... I like this.. s-song..." I gasped as the remains of whatever was in my stomach expelled from my mouth like a motherfucking waterfall. It felt like whatever came from my stomach clung to the sides of my throat like grains of sand. The smell and texture made my eyes water and my reflexes gag automatically.

Huh. I guess I was wrong.

This is pretty fucking disgusting... but it doesn't stop this all from being incredibly hilarious.

"You think they could turn t-the song u-up?" I hit the flush button weakly and leaned against the bathroom wall. "Someone go downstairs and a-ask the DJ to tu-r-rn it u-up."

I waited for this song all fucking night!

Emmett and Embry were laughing hysterically at me.

Okay, _now_ I'm extremely offended.

"Bella, when most people pass out from taking a combination of alcohol and drugs, and then proceed to throw up for two hours they don't usually notice the music that is thumping away downstairs. And they usually don't find it all amusing. They usually black out while men try and get in their panties. It's natures call." Embry said in a matter-of-fact tone.

"Dude! So wrong!"

"That's messed up!"

"What the fuck is wrong with you, Embry?"

"Did I tell you about that one time I-"

"If it involves a girl and you on the hood of your car, yes, we've all heard it."

"Nineteen. Fucking. Times."

"OH MAN!" Emmett's laughter was booming.

"How fucking awesome is that shit, right?"

"Shut up you guys. I'm seriously. This song is good." I muttered.

"_You're seriously?_"

"Bella, you're fucked!"

I ignored the laughter of my friends and continued to mentally tap my feet to the song.

"How can you even _hear_ the lyrics? I just hear the bass line, if that."

"It was the song I req-q-ues-t-ted before I g-got sick."

"That's my Bells, listening to strange music," Jacob said in an attempt of being something he isn't – funny. I wasn't impressed. If there was one thing that I don't tolerate (and I fucking tolerate _a lot_) it's people bagging out my awesome taste in music. That's what I fucking pride myself on. Don't fucking stomp on that or I'll stomp _you, _Jacob Black.

Fucking asshole.

I wiped my mouth with the towel that was on my lap and looked up at Embry apologetically.

"Can I have some water, please?" I asked.

"Sure thing, hon." Embry said gently, all joking aside. Emmett threw him an empty bottle of water as he got what I requested.

"And I _do not_ listen to strange music. I'm sorry that I don't only listen to whatever the fuck you call music. It's called a _diverse music range_, dickhead. Fuccckkkk," I squished my head against the cold tiles. It felt so damn wonderful against my blazing skin. I could feel the sweat trickling down most of my body. My limbs were in a really awkward position, my legs wrapped around the bottom of the toilet, my arms fanned out across the ground and my head resting against the floor, nose first. "And now I'm back to feeling like a ball of shit."

As if my heart was agreeing with my head, it started beating so hard and fast I thought my insides were going to explode.

"Shitballs!" Emmett chimed happily.

"Sorry Bells, but this music is just-"

"Ah-may-zingggg," Leah interrupted, grinning widely. She was tapping her heels against the rim of the bathtub. "Bella listens to mad music, Jake. Half of the shit I listen to—which you compliment all the time, by the way—I wouldn't even know if it wasn't for her. She introduced me to _Echo and the Bunnymen, _and the entire damn genre of dubstep."

"Aww, thanks, Lee-Lee." I was trying to sound enthusiastic, but I sounded like a dying cat instead. My heart wouldn't stop its speed for anything right now.

"And not to mention her love for Britrock, drum and bass, and even pop – Bella _owns_ that shit. Do you honestly think that any of us would know this perfect music to get drug fucked to? This song included. She played it to me a few weeks ago in her truck!"

"This sounds very... British... I guess," Jake muttered, sounding like a lost puppy.

There could be no way this could be real – it honestly felt like my body was wading on water. Ohhhh shit, I'm dreaming!

Well... Since I'm dreaming.

"Jake – kindly shut the fuck up."

His mouth flapped open and shut like a damn fish. Silly Jacob.

"Bells, what the hell?"

Dream. Only a dream.

"I only tolerate you at best nowadays, so can you do me a favor and zip it?" My smile screamed _just kidding, dream Jacob_ as I grinned like a moron. He frowned, looking away. He didn't say anything like I expected him to.

I knew this was a dream, so he should immediately respond... right?

My heart was sprinting at the realization that maybe I was wrong.

"Thanks for staying with me guys," I said, feeling like an absolute bitch as Embry passed me the now filled bottle of water.

"What did you think we'd do? Let you pass out on the floor and dance over you?"

"You know what I mean, Paul."

"I could tell something was wrong with you for a while. I guess that's why I was so quick to react. Do you need an ice pack? Your skin's pretty hot and you're sweating like a pig."

_Oh my fucking god, I'm not dreaming! This shit's real!_

Should I start feeling excessively guilty for what I just said to Jake?

...Nahhh.

I mean, I do feel a little bad. But... Nahhhh.

"I think I'm okay, but I should probably head home. Charlie's gonna have my head on a stick if word gets around about this. That and I don't want to ruin your night any more than I have. Wait, now that I remember, Emmett, were you always here?"

"Well," Paul's face looked guilty. I tried to focus on him, but I was in a daze. I closed my eyes and sighed with relief as he placed a cold flannel over my face. "I kind of called Emmett and Alice. She's on her way now to pick you up and Emmett just happened to be visiting a friend on the outskirts of the rez."

I sat up so quickly it made my body felt like I was on a rocking boat. I readied myself to be sick again just in case. I ignored Jake as he kept telling me to lie down.

_Yeah, this definitely isn't a dream._

"You WHAT?"

"Well she called your cell. You kinda answered but passed out halfway through, and then I kind of _had _to tell her what was going on. It was either Alice or your dad. Which one would you have preferred?"

I pouted like a petulant child. Of course I knew the answer to that, as did everyone else in this room.

"You scared us, Bella!" Leah sobbed, her happy mood abruptly gone, her legs dangling out of the bathtub. Despite the apparent traumatic events of my near death, she was still drinking a bottle of vodka that was firmly clasped in her hand. The smell was so fucking strong it felt like I was fucking inhaling it. Paul, despite his drunken state, was now looking at me with concern.

I waved my arm weakly in dismissal.

"Emmett, when is Alice getting here? Also, why the hell couldn't you have taken me home?"

"I'm drunk, man. I got a lift here."

"She should be here in a few minutes, actually. She was hanging around First Beach when she called."

I frowned again.

"Since when does Alice hang around La Push, let alone First Beach?"

"I was wondering the same thing, but she said that she felt like going to the beach, and tonight seemed like the perfect opportunity to do so." Emmett said, smiling for reasons I didn't know.

I highly doubted that Alice would hang around First Beach unless there was an awesome reason to do so. I hope to God I remembered this tomorrow morning, so I could get to the bottom of this. Maybe she knew that something like this would happen? Hell, I wouldn't even be surprised if she _knew_ that I would be here and this would be her way of keeping an eye on me? That psycho little pixie that I called my best friend had intuition that kept nobody safe.

I wanted to yell at Paul for his good intentions. Now that she knows I had a damn _overdose_ she would be hunting me down, poking my ass with a pointy stick. She hated drugs, and she had every reason to.

I had been in this damn bathroom for nearly two hours, slipping in and out of consciousness so many times that it was ridiculous. Luckily enough, this wasn't the first time something like this has happened at one of Paul's house parties. He knew exactly what to do, and how to be efficient. He was on the ball, I eventually found out.

I probably owe him my life. No, I know I do. I doubt that my 'boyfriend' even knew how to perform CPR.

"She looks way better than before," Paul said to Leah, "She doesn't look like a ghost anymore, although she's still sweating. That could have to do with the fact that her body is trying to reject... What did you take again?"

"Uh... A pill... or two... umm," I couldn't think straight. "I think I smoked a few joints... I started drinking before I started. Had uhhh... ecstasy?"

Paul groaned. One of his golden rules was to _never _drink before you do drugs. It was a recipe for disaster. I wish, instead of being emotional over he-who-must-not-be-named, I remembered that.

"When did you start feeling sick?"

"Not long after the last pill I took."

"Do you think the weed had something to do with it?" Jacob asked, his voice sounding foreign to my ears.

"I don't think so. Although I was hot boxed."

Paul bit his lip as he fought back laughter. I raised an eyebrow lazily, wanting him to elaborate. When he finally understood that my silence was an indicator to continue, he did so.

"Hate to break it to you, Bells," he was still fighting back laughter, although his eyes were serious. "That weed is about ten times stronger than what you normally smoke."

Embry, Emmett and Paul started laughing hysterically as my face turned bright red.

_This is so humiliating... and I feel like I'm going to be sick again._

Jacob was hovering over me, pulling my hair back gently as I threw up _again_. The smell was so repugnant it made me dry retch and my eyes water all over again. It was a vicious cycle that didn't seem to end. Jacob, my _boyfriend_, was too close for fucking comfort. If I had any energy left in me I would have pushed him away from me. As if you want people practically jumping on you from behind while you're throwing up black stuff in the fucking toilet for the millionth time!

"Leah's right... You scared the shit out of us."

"I don't exactly know why you're trying to kiss me when I smell like death, Jacob."

"It doesn't bother me, baby."

"It bothers _me_."

"Just don't scare us like that again, all right?"

_Well I'm sorry my near death experience scared you. I'll try not to actually die next time. _I muttered something I couldn't even understand, fumbling for the flush button of the toilet. Jake's hot hand went over mine and we both pressed the button. I flinched away from his touch.

He was far too hot – like his skin was magma.

"Don't try to get up, Bel-"

"Oh, Jake, I'm _fine_!" I exclaimed.

Of course, I really _wasn't _fine, but I didn't like all of this fuss over me. The room was too packed, far too congested and it made me nervous. I already felt like an absolute shit as it was, and I didn't need people watching me throw up to boost up my well being.

"Bella, where the fuck are you? BELLA?" Alice's melodic voice sounding anything but from down the hall. For the love of all that is holy, she sounded like she was yelling at her kid in the supermarket for dropping a pickle jar!

My dream-like state—that I secretly knew was too good to be true—is drastically becoming a little too realistic.

I glared at Paul like he was about to hand me over to the wolves. He grinned innocently, leaning back and falling into the bathtub with Emmett and Leah. How could they all fit into that tiny thing? I mean, Leah's a slender woman, but they're both _massive_! She passed him her bottle of vodka and watched the scene unravel in front of him with enthusiasm. What the hell did he think he was doing, watching a damn television show and eating damn popcorn?

Alice nearly ran past the room before she latched onto the framing of the door and looked into the room. She stared at me wide eyed, before Jacob caught her attention.

I don't think I've ever seen Alice look so vicious in our entire friendship. It scared the living daylights out of me.

"You!" She growled at Jacob.

_Okayyyyyy... didn't see that one coming._

"What the fuck do you think you're doing, bringing Bella here?" She glanced over at Paul, throwing him a quick apologetic glance. "No offense, Paul. Thanks for telling me what happened, by the way."

"Hey, none taken." He was grinning from ear to ear. Yep. He was definitely entertained by all of this. What a fucking prick!

"And Emmett, you were sent here to help her, not fucking get drunk with the rest of the clan."

"Shut up, mutant."

Alice ignored her brother, and instead turned her menacing stare back to Jake. I kind of felt sorry for him. It wasn't exactly his fault. He didn't force me to do what I want – she should be screaming at me. If I had more energy I'd tell Alice just that.

_Too sleepy. Sleepy time for Bella._

"Where the fuck is she, Alice? I can't find her anywhere!"

_Oh sweet holy shitballs fuck! This can't be happening! Real – TOO REAL!_

My entire body snapped like a rubber band toward the direction of the bathroom door, where I saw a frightening looking Edward readying himself to attack Jacob. He was in his same attire from earlier today, and instead of worrying about the welfare of poor Jacob, I was too busy focusing on _not _perving on Edward.

I probably looked like I was going to be sick again. I think it's the same face I pull when I'm aroused.

Something drastically changed in Edward's eyes, and his attention escaped thinking of homicidal thoughts of Jacob. He scanned everyone in the room, and then he finally kept his focus on me.

"Bella," he gasped when he saw me crumpled on the floor. I grimaced, wishing I was able to look a little more decent.

Huh. I'm glad my priorities are straight – worrying about looking ugly in front of Edward after having an overdose.

He dropped to his knees, turning as pale as white walls. His hand reached out for my face, but then stopped half way, suddenly remembering that he couldn't touch me so intimately. He scowled at the tiles, talking as quiet as a mouse.

"Alice, can you please get the blankets out of the car." It wasn't a question. Alice, looking stunned at Edward's reactions, did as he said.

He took the cool flannel from my hands and started patting certain sections of my face. He had the lightest of frowns as he looked into my eyes.

"You look like shit." He whispered.

My laugh was a hoarse bark – it made him frown even more. I couldn't hear what was being said as Edward started to softly wipe away remnants of stained mascara and eyeliner than was already halfway down my cheeks. Part of me was very aware that voices were being raised and the atmosphere changed in the room, but I couldn't seem to focus on it. All of the chatter was like white noise. The only thing I could really focus on was Edward.

...and right now I could tell he was trying very hard for my sake to keep composure.

"Paul, how much water has she had?"

"About two glasses. And a bottle of water. I doubt it's still in her system now."

"Can we get a re-fill?"

"Sure man, just use the sink. It's all distilled, even in the bathroom."

I don't think anybody would want to disobey Edward when he looked like he was out to bathe in a poor soul's blood.

"I don't appreciate being ignored, Cullen." I stand corrected. "What the fuck are you doing here? You're not welcome." Jacob growled, standing up. Edward and Jake were almost at equal height, Jake being a little taller. That didn't intimidate Edward in the slightest. His eyes narrowed, looking like a lion.

He looked incredible.

"I'm here to do what you failed to do – look after your girlfriend."

My eyes bulged out of my head. _He _didn't!

_Shit is so real! Fuck!_

"Mind your own fucking business!"

"Oh, lovely. Now we're resorting to kindergarten responses? If anything happened to her, Jacob-"

"You don't even fucking like her!" He spat back at Edward. "I've seen the way you treat her. I've heard stories, Cullen. Don't think I don't know how much the way you treat her like shit hurts her. Your words fucking kill her. I don't care what anybody seems to think about you, _you're trouble_. You may have everyone else fooled, but _not _me_._ I don't want you near my Bells, you hear me?"

"_You don't know anything, you fucking mongrel._" Edward's eyes were almost as black as coals – a far cry from his normally light green ones. I stood up slowly and stepped in between the predator lion and the hungry wolf.

"I don't like you. I haven't fucking liked you from the moment I saw you dancing with _my _girl at your fathers wedding. I see right through you."

My blood ran cold in my veins. He saw that? But...he looked so distracted by strawberries and cream.

"Oh yeah?" Edward's smile wasn't a friendly one. He was provoking Jacob. Daring him to raise the first fist. "And what exactly do you see, Black?"

"You don't like her. You hate her," Jake repeated, ignoring my muttering for them to stop.

"This isn't a muscle flick," I groaned. "Step back. Relax. Both of you."

"Why are you sticking up for him? You hate him too!"

_You know, don't you? That I love Edward, not you. I think you started to realize it tonight, or now that you see how Edward is protecting me._

"I'm not sticking up for anybody. Now if you don't mind, I'm fucking exhausted. I want to shower this gunk off me, drink a gallon of water and sleep. I'm not in the mood to referee a fight between the two of you, and Jake, just so you know – Emmett would be on Edward's side out of loyalty so back your shit down. I'll talk you later. Edward?"

"BELLA, WHAT THE FUCK?"

"Jake," I sighed. "It's not like you can drive me home. You're wasted, just like most of the other people here. Alice and Edward aren't, and I sure as hell don't want Charlie finding out about this."

Edward put his arm around my waist and guided me away from my furious looking boyfriend. His grip was fiercely protective.

"Wait," I whispered, turning back to face the friends that helped me. "Guys...thank you so much for looking after me. I'm sorry for ruining your night. Party hard for me, okay? Just don't end up like I have."

"Don't sweat it," a still grinning Paul said, his brown eyes still sparkling with amusement. "I just _love _having parties."

"That was the main fucking course," Emmett bellowed, high-fiving Embry, "now bring on dessert!"

After we left Paul's party, we dropped Alice back at First Beach. It turns out Jasper and Alice were on a romantic date an she really _wasn't _stalking me. That made me feel, not only conceited and self absorbed, but incredibly guilt ridden. I knew she didn't want to leave me alone in my state, but I managed to convince her that I was fine and just needed a good nights (and all day, hopefully) sleep to recover. Alice had already called Charlie and fabricated a story about me being too tired to come home, and that we were going to Seattle in the morning. It was the perfect excuse for me to come home by the evening. I was too tired to even argue with her when she said she'd make me a hearty breakfast, or lunch, depending when I'd wake up.

"There's a plastic Spongebob bag in the back if you need to throw up." Alice told me as I started coughing hysterically again.

"I should be fine."

"Now I know I was going on about that bitch throwing up on my leather seats, but for you I can make an exception. Although in all honesty I'll kill you once you're sober enough."

I closed my eyes and sprawled across the backseat of Alice's car. I wasn't sure how long I was asleep for, but I woke up to quiet words being exchanged between Alice and Edward. The car, other than their words, was silent. I continued to breathe slowly, so they wouldn't realize I was awake.

"...not comfortable with this. Why are you suddenly interested in Bella's welfare? You're not even friends."

Edward's sigh was soft and resigning.

"You called to tell me Bella had an overdose. Of course I'd be worried, despite the fact that we don't see eye to eye. I would be a monster if I didn't. We kind of have..." he sighed again, his voice sounding miles away, "a conflict of interest, you could say."

"There's more to this than you're letting on."

"There really isn't, Alice."

"But there is. I don't know what's been going on between you two, Edward, but I'm going to find out. I don't feel comfortable with her being in the house alone with you."

"Are you implying that I'd take advantage of her in this state, Alice?"

"You know that's not what I meant."

I never got to hear Edward's response, for the powerful grip of sleep pulled me back under once more. I woke up to Alice gently shaking my shoulder. I felt a crisp breeze from the opened car door.

"Are you sure this is okay, Bella?" She asked me cautiously, leaning closer. I cold smell the ocean behind her. The smell and wind from the water felt amazing.

"Of course. Go spend time with your man, Alliecat. It's fine." She frowned. "What's _really _wrong, sweetie?"

She looked between Edward and I for a few moments, back and forth, slow and deliberate. I would give anything to know what exactly was going through that intricate mind of hers. Could it have anything to do with their conversation earlier? What did Edward end up saying to Alice? Can she see the sheer anxiety that was plastered across my face?

"Just... take care of yourself, okay? I was worried we were going to have to drive you to the morgue or something."

"Oh come on, now."

"You weren't able to see what you looked like, Bella." She kissed me on the cheek – a goodbye gesture.

"I'm honestly fine."

"You keep saying that, but," She eyed me strangely again, but stepped away from the car. "are you sure you don't mind hanging with Edward? You say the word and I'll step in. I feel rotten as it is for leaving you."

_What's going on in that mind of yours, Alice?_

"Why would it be a problem?" Edward cut in sharply.

My stomach was doing somersaults. What the hell was said when I was asleep?

"You tell me, Edward." Her tone could have frozen the sun itself.

_She knows? Oh my God, I think she does!_

I could feel my heart fluttering in my throat from fear... or that could be whatever is left in my stomach. I let out a shaky breath, and put my head in my hands. I felt Alice's hand rubbing my back soothingly.

"Is the sick feeling coming back?" Her cold tone was gone now, filled with nothing but concern for me. What the fuck did I do to deserve such an amazing person in my life? She knew I fucked up royally tonight – I did something that she detests, yet she hasn't told me off once. The only reason she's turning away now is because I'm making her.

But if she really knew what was going on between Edward and I, what we felt for each other, it might just ruin our friendship. I couldn't handle it. She's my sister, my family. She was my first friend in this town, and I don't intend for it to end. She can't ever find out.

"I better get her home."

"I'm serious, Bella, you call me if you need to – no matter what time or for whatever reason."

"I will, Allie."

As soon as I heard Alice's high heels clicking away into the silence of the night, I fell back to sleep. I have no idea how long I was out for, but I awoke in the most comfortable bed I've ever been in. It sure beat the hell out of my old mattress with springs stabbing my spine. I tried desperately to force my eyes open to see where the fuck I was, but I couldn't. Sleep succeeded in pulling me back under once more.

Just a few more minutes of sleep...

I woke up at exactly four am.

I quite possibly had the best shower of my entire life. I always forgot how lavish and expensive the Cullen's appliances were, and even though a bucket and a scrubbing brush would have sufficed, I felt like a queen. There was nothing better than having a hot, relaxing shower after a night of being anything but a queen. I now felt squeaky clean, drug and alcohol free (well... almost), and a lot calmer.

Turns out I was asleep in a room I had never seen before in the house. I think it was Carlisle's old study, which I obviously had never been in. Edward had left me Advil and a bottle of water on the bedside table, which I appreciated. It was a really kind gesture, and I definitely have to thank him for looking after me when he shouldn't have to at all.

I dreaded the thought of my next conversation with Jacob. It wasn't going to be pleasant, I know. He was probably not only ready to kill Edward, but me also.

I hate how I keep hurting the people I love because I'm too selfish to stop.

My thoughts were interrupted as a soft knock echoed the quiet room. I called for whoever it was to come in – already knowing it was Edward. No one else was in the house, and knowing the Cullen children, they wouldn't be home until midday.

He strained a smile, obviously not expecting me to be awake.

"How are you feeling?"

"Better. Thanks so much for the Advil, by the way. You didn't have to do that. You've already done more than I deserve."

"You aren't exactly in a position to look after yourself."

He touched my forehead, checking for a fever. I almost started laughing – I had an overdose, not the flu. Once the drugs leave the system, you're normally okay, so long as you're not an addict. "Your eyes aren't glazed anymore."

"I feel pretty good."

"I'm glad to hear it."

"I'm sorry that you and Alice... well, everyone... had to see what I was like. I know how she is about drugs. I was just stupid. Emotional."

"Emotional about what?"

"Doesn't matter."

"Why did you do it, Bella?"

Did he know that the answer was just six letters – his name?

The look in his eyes told me he knew.

It was funny how when no one else was around, how we managed to talk civilly, almost friendly. We talked about so much, but didn't want to stop. We talked out the moments that led up to tonight, Jacob, Tanya... us. We eventually migrated to his bedroom, where his Ipod was going through his extensive music collection as we spoke with complete honesty.

"The whole friends thing we talked about..." I began.

He chuckled darkly, rubbing the stubble on his chin. Was I the reason why he had deep purple bags under his beautiful eyes? I couldn't stand the thought of him losing sleep over someone as pathetic as myself.

"I told you I was willing to wait for you. I'll continue to do that. While I admit it's... difficult to act like you're nothing to me, I do what you ask of me."

"You ignored me for a few weeks. You treated me like shit, actually. Friends don't treat friends like they're nothing."

"I did no such thing."

"Everyone thinks we hate each other, Edward."

"Well everyone can get fucked."

"I wish things could be different, Edward. You know I do. But I need to... fuck, I don't even know anymore. I made all these promises to Jake. If I ruin them, leave him for you..."

"We could be perfect, Bella. You and me."

"I know." I replied sadly.

We sat in silence, not really knowing what to say after our word vomit. Were we going to go back to the same pattern we had before, pretending to only be friends when eyes weren't watching us? And him ignoring me and my pretending not to want to be in the same room as him when others are around?

If we were to start something, right here and now, could I live with the guilt?

_Lover I Don't Have To Love _by _Bright Eyes _started playing softly. My eyes that were shut flew open widely. I looked at Edward with sheer terror.

I knew that there was no way in hell Edward would intentionally play this song – he was too kind to even be that cruel not only to me, but himself. I wanted to laugh at myself – it's on shuffle – not some sign from the gods.

It wasn't like there was no love between Edward and I, but it felt like the lyrics—that expressed a physical connection without the emotions with someone they didn't know—almost felt like what Edward and I were doing with our current partners. Did we really know them, or want to know them? If they hadn't come along, and Edward and I never met, how many lovers would we fuck without really loving, or wanting to know?

_Don't be stupid, Bella. Don't give into temptation. You've already fucked up this night royally. This would make it so much worse and you know it._

My entire body shivered in anticipation at the thought of giving in. This was one of the songs Edward and I agreed to... do the deed to.

Do the deed to? What am I, fucking twelve?

My breathing skipped a beat and I swear I moaned at the mere thought of Edward and I having sex to this song, just like we planned to one day. I didn't even feel remotely embarrassed, as I could have been with Jacob, as I moaned aloud at the mere thought of Edward and I finally being with each other. Loving each other.

Edward mistook my moan for one of discomfort. He turned bright red, like a ripe tomato and started apologizing profusely.

"Oh fucking fuck, I am so fucking sorry! It's on shuffle, I swear! Holy fucking shit this is so embarrassing. You know I wouldn't intentionally do this, right? I am _so _sorry, Bella. So fucking sorry!"

I grinned at the sight of Edward's nerves. Seeing a young man that was usually so cool and composed losing his shit was fucking hilarious.

"It's fine."I smirked, feeling more aroused by the second.

"Holy fucking shit, I don't believe this." I pictured Edward throwing me on the bed and tearing my clothes off. He ravaged me whole. I imagined him exploring every inch of my body with his tongue and making me scream for him.

Holy fucking shit, indeed.

"Seriously, it's fine." My voice was husky with desire.

"I-"

"Just shut up for a second." I murmured, raising my hand to silence him. His mouth flapped open a few times before he stopped, instead staring at me with confusion. I wasn't sure what Edward saw in my eyes, but his expression turned blank.

Just looking in his eyes, seeing the way he looked at me with nothing but unconditional love, made my heart skip a beat. It was like I was the only woman for him. It ignited something foreign and primitive in me. Something I have never experienced before in my life. I just knew, right from the depths of my soul, that only Edward could ignite such a reaction from me. No one could ever do this to me, ever.

I know that when I wake up and look back at this night, I would more than likely regret my decisions, but right now, the insatiable need I felt for Edward Cullen doused any morals or guilt of knowing that this was wrong. That cheating on our partners was wrong. None of it mattered, not right now anyway. I wanted, no, _needed _him. I needed him so fucking badly that my entire body shivered and quaked with sheer desire.

I was staring my addiction dead on – I could almost taste it on the tip of my tongue.

"Bella are you feeling okay?"

He probably thought I was going to pass out again.

I smiled weakly and this was a sufficient enough answer for him. He still waited patiently, and I could see in his eyes how desperate he was for me to tell him what I was thinking. I took a deep, long breath and walked over to the stereo, my fingers on the volume knob. I glanced over my shoulder, looking over to see his eyes. I asked him with my eyes whether this would be okay.

I'm not sure why I was asking permission to turn up the volume – we were the only people in the house.

I didn't exactly get the nod of encouragement I was expecting, instead the same blank expression he had on his face for the past five minuets.

I turned up the music regardless, gnawing my lip with my teeth before I turned around to face him. _Don't be a chicken_, I thought to myself. I inhaled through my nose and decided to just bite the bullet and turn around now.

I gasped when I bumped into his slender, yet built frame. How the fuck did he get from his seat, on the opposite side of the room, to here so fast? I didn't even hear any form of movement! His right hand was above me, his palm flat against the wall above me, and his other on the top of the bookcase, inches from the side of my left breast.

I was nearly hyperventilating.

"Why did you sigh?" He asked me in a whisper.

"I... Um..." I couldn't even form a intelligible sentence.

"Tell me what you're thinking?" He asked me when I didn't respond. His voice was sexy as anything, so deep and raw and seductive. His mouth was mere millimetres from my face. His breath smelt of peppermint toothpaste.

I bit my lip, tasting copper.

What if he didn't want me anymore? Sure, he just told me, as he did numerous times, that he was waiting for me – but still... What if he finally realized that I'm not worthy to even be in the same room as him? Maybe this morning, when I lied to Jake, was the final straw for him? Oh, God. What if he was going to reject me like all the times I've rejected him? I don't think I could take it. It would kill me. I know it would.

Just the thought of him telling me that he doesn't want or love me anymore felt like a knife piercing my heart.

I need him. This isn't a matter of want any more.

"Well," I swallowed loudly. "I was planning on seducing you."

He raised his eyebrow again, leaning closer to me. It made my entire body tingle. I was acutely aware of his left arm brushing against my breast.

"Was?"

"I'm too scared to now."

"Why are you scared?" he asked in that same deep, hushed tone, now pressing his entire body against mine. The bookcase rattled a few times at the sudden impact of our bodies against it. I felt him hard and ready.

He wants you.

"I'm scared you've finally realized that I'm not worth all of this drama and heartache. I'm scared you don't love me anymore because of my countless list of mistakes."

His eyes blazed with a light that was blinding. I blinked away my tears furiously, feeling too vulnerable for my liking. I was exposed, naked before him, and he was standing and staring, examining me like a science experiment.

Maybe I was the lover he didn't want to love.

He brushed a piece of my stray fringe away from my cheek and tucked it behind my ear. His fingertips like silk reignited the flames that were already licking my scorched body.

"Baby," he smiled, "My silly, clueless Bella. I will always love you. There's no going back for me."

His nose grazed my cheek gently.

"The thoughts in my head are overbearing sometimes."

"Take that shit out of your mind, and listen to the real thing, baby. I love you. Don't ever doubt my love for you, because it's real."

His lips slowly brushed across mine, almost like he was trying to savor the moment. His lips were so fucking soft and full and luscious. Was it strange to think of his lips as marshmallows? That's exactly what they felt like – so fluffy and soft.

"Why are you smiling?" I felt his lips smiling across mine.

"Your lips are like marshmallows."

My voice was shaking crazily.

"Are you still under the influence?" He laughed.

"If I am I don't want to come down."

He laughed, sounding the happiest I have ever heard him in a long time, and pulled me closer as he kissed me with all the love and strength he could.


End file.
